Nilz's Useless Blog for the Untamed Heart

2011-08-23T15:12:00.001-04:30

Time to Grow Up

2009-12-13T17:48:00.004-04:30

You forgot to kill the child in me.

My 10 Favorite Albums of the Decade 2000-2009

2009-12-13T01:39:00.001-04:30

10. The Strokes - Is This It? (2000)
A pioneering album, and responsible for the whole wave of guitar bands, some good, quite a few bad, that keep flooding us to this day.

9. Fantômas - The Director's Cut (2001)
Mike Patton, Buzz Osborne, Dave Lombardo and Trevor Dunn playing The Theme from the Godfather and Charade. What else do you want? Shhhhh.

8. The Tears - Here Come the Tears (2005)
When Bernard Butler left the fantastic Suede in 1993, Brett Anderson and Co. managed to release the great Trash. From then on the magic seemed to have disappeared. This album is the logical continuation that never came to be. Thank Brett and Bernard they decided to reunite for this beauty.

7. Lovage - Music to Make Love to Your Old Lady By (2001)
A sexy tongue-in-cheek album featuring Dan Nakamura, Jennifer Charles, Mike Patton, Kid Koala, and a cover that mimes Serge Gainsbourg's No. 2 album. How can you not like this?

6. Primal Scream - XTRMNTR (2000)
The best combination of rock and electronic music ever. Oh, and it's noisy as hell, too. This album actually makes me want to destroy things. Oh, and fuck you. Next.

5. Death Breath - Stinking Up the Night (2006)
This is the album that, for me, launched the whole New Wave of Old School Death Metal. Nicke Andersson deserves a statue.

4. Charlotte Gainsbourg - 5:55 (2006)
The american issue of this album includes an extra track called Somewhere Between Waking and Sleep. This is how this album feels like. Yes, that's something precious.

3. The Killers - Hot Fuss (2004)
In a Hip Hop and Pop dominated world, it was nice to see an album that took guitars to places where guitars were long lost and forgotten. I don't like The Killers. Brandon Flowers can die for all I care. I like this album. Actually, I LOVE it.

2. Antony & The Johnsons - I Am a Bird Now (2005)
The first time I listened to this album, it sounded like it was out of this world, or like it belonged in a weird decade between the 50s and the 60s, which got lost in time. It makes me feel sad, in a good way. It's fractured, yet beautiful. I'm sad. I want to cry.

1. Justin Timberlake - FutureSex/LoveSounds (2006)
Pop music has never been this intelligent since Thriller. No need to explain. JT and Timbaland are da shit!

N.

But Hey 2: The Thin White Duke

2009-07-08T09:37:00.003-04:30

“And then all I feel is this big bump bump bump in my head. ‘What the fuck’, I say. And it lasts like five minutes, until suddenly I realize, something’s fucking hitting my head. SOMEBODY’s fucking hitting my head. I try to get up, but I can’t. I’m on the fucking floor. I try to picture where exactly I am– and I’m doing all this with the bump bump bump going on, man – and then (pause) I see a toilet. Hey, that’s fucking good news. I know where I am now. It’s a fucking bathroom. Remember, when you’re passed out, and you wake up, and you start trying to find out where the fuck you are, any sign, any notion of the things around you is a fucking blessing. You’ve been there, you’ve been there. Hell, we’ve all been there. When you wake up everything’s a fucking blur - thoughts, sight, feelings - nothing makes sense, it’s like if you were born again and don’t know shit, get me, get me? I mean, it doesn’t matter if you realize fucking Zed and the Gimp from Pulp Fiction are fucking you in the ass. Getting out of that blur is one shiny miracle. Anyway. Where was I?”
“The bathroom, man”, says Walt, laughing, as the Panda continues his story.
“The fucking bathroom. Thanks Walto. So I realize I’m in a fucking bathroom. I still don’t know what fucking bathroom it is, in which house, in which bar, where the fuck. And then, with all the fucking bumping going on, I finally say to myself, ‘Hey Pandy Boy, you better start shouting at the motherfucker who’s hitting you. Because someone was trying to open the door, and the fucking door was hitting me in the fucking head. Neat, huh? So I say to myself ‘You better tell that shithead to stop hitting you in the head’, get me, get me? So I let out this fucking yell, ‘AAAAARRRGHHHH STOP GOD DAMN IT’, and the fucking bumping stops. Just like that. A fucking angel has heard my prayers. So I hear something coming from out of this bathroom, wherever the fuck I am, ‘Hey, who’s there?’ the voice says. I don’t know who it is. I stand up, everything is going round, I’m fucking wasted, and I open the door, and I see my mate Charlie Boy - the Chucks - standing outside the door, like he’s surprised I’m there. Then I suddenly remembered. I was at this fucker’s party the previous night, in that same house, and apparently, I went to the bathroom to do some shit, and I passed out. Crazy, huh?”

Everyone is laughing as I enter room, and I just know the Panda has finished one of his stories.
“Hey Panda, what’s up?”, I say.
“My main man Jacko - Jacky Boy - the Jacks”, says the Panda, in his own cheerful way, as he’s getting up and starts walking in my direction. Damn, I can’t believe this guy’s always this happy. I extend my arm, but the fucker gives me a big fucking hug. He lifts me. I mean, it’s not a mutual hug, it’s pretty plain to see he’s the only one hugging here. So much love trapped inside all of that shit. He puts me back down.
“So how’s your son the Little Panda?”, I ask.
“Oh, fuck you, man”, the Panda laughs.
“And how’s your little brother? Oh wait, they’re the same person, right?”
“Fuck you, man. How many fucking times I gotta explain that bitch doesn’t let me see the kid”, the Panda says, and you can sense that he might actually be getting a little serious, and/or a little sad.
“Like you fucking wanna see the brat”, says Robbie lying on the couch.
The Panda has a straight face, and then he laughs out loud.
“OK, you got me. I know shit about the kid, and I wanna leave things just the way they are”. He stays silent for a few seconds. Then he starts babbling on again.
“I mean, the bitch just went into my room, ONE FUCKING TIME, and fucked the shit out of me. (Pause) She was hot.” the Panda informs us.
“She was”, we all say, looking around each other, and nodding approvingly.
“It was the middle of the night, I was sleeping, I couldn’t think right. I was definitely not thinking about my old man. I just got a boner, and PANDA BOY IT IS FOR YOU, MOMMA, get me, get me?”
We all laugh. Shit. The Panda’s cool. I don’t know why I never liked him in the past. I might as well give the fucker the chance I’ve never gave him.
“So, grass time?”, asks the Panda.
Everyone says “Hell yeah”, “Alright”, or “Fuck yeah” at the same time.
“No, I don’t do that shit anymore”, I tell the Panda.
“What do you mean you don’t do that shit anymore, Le Jacques? You clean or something?”
“Well, yeah, I’m clean”, and before I could finish my sentence, Walt interrupts.
“Clean my ass, you are. This motherfucker does more blow than I do.”, and he points at me like, for 30 seconds. Asshole.
“Hey, you KNOW I don’t do more blow than you. Nobody fucking here does more blow than you, Walt”
“OK, but you DO do blow, man”.
I look around, and stare at the Panda, who’s looking way too confused. I proceed to explain.
“Yeah, I do blow. But I am clean (pause) potwise”.
“Potwise?”, the Panda asks, and lets one of his big loud laughs in the room.
“You’re telling me you’re clean - let me get this – potwise - but you still do blow?”
I know where this is going. Shit. I hate these situations. I don’t want grass, leave me alone. Everybody leave me the fuck alone. I nod.
“Jacko, just tell me you don’t like weed. That’s much, much better. Don’t use a fucking word like CLEAN when you do blow”,
“Clean potwise”, I say, I CORRECT, and I don’t know why the fuck I said it again. I know I’m just encouraging the bastard, THESE bastards, to keep on having their moment at my expenses. Shit. I hate the Panda.
“There you go again with that fucking word, potwise. What the fuck, dude?”, he starts looking around for support. The fucker’s getting it.
“Look, when you say you’re clean, you’re fucking clean. You don’t do anything. Or, or, get me, get me, please. Or maybe you do coke, and then you don’t do fucking coke anymore, but you stay with a little weed. Fucking weed’s not bad for you. It’s not bad for anybody. Coke will fuck you up. So if you stop coking yourself up, but continue with a little grass (pause), yeah, you could say ‘Hey, I’m clean. No coke for me. Not anymore. No, no, that shit’s in the past’, get me, get me? And then if someone asks, ‘Hey, but do you still smoke your little Mary Jane?’, and you say, ‘Yeah, once in a while’, then all the fuckers around you will say ‘Oh, cool’. You know why? Because it’s FUCKING COOL. Because COKE will fuck you up way more than weed. WAY more, dude. So DON’T FUCKING TELL ME you’re clean potwise. (pause) PUH-LEASE”.

The room is silent. I’ve never seen the Panda this angry before. Well actually I have. One time, when his father told him to get out of the house after he found out he’s much younger wife had been knocked up. Shit, the Panda hit his father so fucking hard in the face, I start trembling just remembering it, and I do not want my face to end up like that. But hey, it’s me, Jacko. I keep on arguing.
“Now Panda, I get your point, but if it works one way, then it could work the other. I mean,” and the Panda gives me a fucking look I KNOW I won’t forget very soon. But then, a smile starts to appear. This fucking smile lasts like five minutes to completely fill his face. I don’t know what to think. And then, in typical Panda fashion, the guy doesn’t finish the argument, and he just gives in with this big hunk of love that he’s got inside.
“Come on, COME ON”, he tells me as he’s signaling me to move towards him. I look around, everybody’s fucking smiling. This is the Panda. Hug everyone, love everyone. Shit, I hate the Panda. I start walking toward him, and he grabs me again. He’s hugging me. He’s HUGGING me. Fuck.
“Oh you crazy Jacky Boy”, he hugs me harder. “Do your blow, man. Do your blow”, and lets go off me.
“As a matter of fact, let’s all do blow tonight”, the Panda says, looking at Robbie, Walt, and finally me.
“Alright, now you’re talking”, I say.
“I don’t wanna do blow. I want my grass”, says Robbie.
“Oh no, we’re having blow, Robs”, says the Panda.
“Shit. OK”, says Robbie.
“Who’s got blow?”, I ask.
From the look in everyone’s face, we’re screwed.
“Well, let’s call Earache”, suggests Walt, and we all know it’s the best option if we want fast blow.
“Fuck Earache, Walty Man”, interrupts the Panda and looks at us.
“I know a guy”.
Shit.
I don’t know who this guy is, but I do not wanna meet him, believe me.
The night has not even begun.

This guy turns out to be The Thin White Duke, and with a name like that I’m thinking he’s either a huge Bowie fan, or maybe a fucked up coke lord. Probably both. Either way, it’s gonna get spooky, pretty soon. Now, this fucker lives outside of the city. I mean, OUTSIDE of the fucking city. It’s not exactly the country, no. You know that line that separates the city from the country? Well, the Duke lives RIGHT ON THAT FUCKING LINE.
When we arrive, it’s this huge house. Actually, it looks really nice. You can tell it’s not in the best condition possible, but it’s a nice fucking house. I can imagine making a porn movie inside. That kind of house. When we arrive, the door is open. Not closed. Not wide open. Just slightly open. This is not good.
“Hey, let’s go in”, says the Panda.
“Shouldn’t we ring the bell first?” says Robbie, I think he’s even more concerned-slash-worried that I am.
“Nah. Dukie Boy always leaves his door open. It’s cool”, answers the Panda and I think I can tell he’s bullshitting us. We go in.
I was right. This house is a frigging porn set. Nice. The kitchen is very modern. The living room has an elegant mixture of wood and metal furniture. This guy has taste. Way down in the back we can see there’s a door that leads to, I’m hoping, a swimming pool. Not that I wanna take a dive later at night, I’m just thinking of my dream porn set, and if this house has a pool, well, this is it.
There are some other rooms near the back of the first floor, and Panda is already looking there for the Duke while everyone else is just amazed at this beauty of a home.
“Dukie Boy!”, shouts Panda. “Duko. Le Dukes, where are you, man?”. He looks at us.
“He’s gotta be upstairs. He’s got to”, says the Panda.
“Doing what?”.
“Well asked, Walt”. I say.
“Who knows. Shooting some shit up, I don’t know. Let’s find out”.
This is not good
“This is not good, Panda”.
“Shut your pie hole and let’s go up”.

We start going up the stairs, and all I can think is ‘We’re safe down here. Let’s stay here. Or better yet, let’s get the fuck out and call Earache. Earache delivers the shit right to your fucking house. This is unnecessary’. I’m also thinking about fifteen different positions I can fuck a fucking whore while I make a movie. These stairs rock!
When we arrive on the top floor, it’s pretty easy to notice that something is wrong. A door just slams right when we put one foot on the hall.
“Let’s fucking get out of here, Panda”, whispers Robbie. Walt and I nod.
“Would you guys calm down?”, says the Panda, not calming us down at all.
“Hey Dukie, you here?”, yells the Panda through the door that has just slammed shut.
“I’m fucking whacked, man. I’M FUCKING WHACKED HERE, MAN”, says the voice on the other side.
Panda turns around, smiles at us and says, “I told you it was fine. Guys – The Thin White Duke. Duke – The guys”.
Now I’ve been introduced to crazy people in this life. Once I even got introduced to a fucking dog that belonged to this bitch I was going out with, only because she was a model. But I have never, ever, EVER, been introduced to a fucking door. And that’s just what the Panda did right now. I was pretty sober when I heard this guy saying he was completely whacked out, so what the fuck is the Panda introducing him to me for? Shit.
“It’s all right, bros”, the Panda keeps thinking he’s comforting us.
Just then, something appears from below the door, almost getting the Panda’s feet. The four of us jump up scared as shit. The fucking thing appears again. I think it’s a knife. Again. Yes, that’s a fucking knife alright.
“Man, this dude wants to slash your toes off, man”, cries Robbie.
“Hey Panda, what the fuck?”, I ask. “Let’s get out of here, man. This is crazy”.
“Hey hey, this guy’s whacked out, come on”, says the Panda.
“We heard the fucking Duke when he told us a few minutes ago. So what are we gonna do? If this guy decides to open the door, we’ll all have our dicks slashed off. Come on, let’s get the fuck out of here, man”.
“Hey Le Duke. You alright in there? It’s me, the Panda”.
“Make them go away, man, MAKE THEM GO AWAY”, shouts the Duke.
“Make who go away, Dukie?”
“The burglars, man. I’m all whacked here. WHACKED. THE BURGLARS, MAN”
I think I just shit my pants.
“There are no burglars here, Duko. Just me and my friends. No burglars”.
“Make – them – GO – AWAY – IM DYING HERE”.
Another slash of the knife under the door.
“Hey Duke. You gonna cut my toes off, fucker. Be careful with that knife”. The Panda relaxes.
“You wanna cut my fucking toes, Dukie Boy?”.
No answer.
“Duke?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s the Panda”.
“Hi, Panda. I’m fucked. I’m FUCKED UP here”.
“You know me, right? You know who the Panda is, right?”
“Hi Panda. MAKE THEM GO AWAY”.
“OK, Duko. OK. We are going to help you?”
“Hi Panda”
“You want me to help you?”
“Make them go. Yes”.
“You want old Panda Pooh to help you?”
I look at Robbie and mime the words ‘Panda Pooh? What the fuck?’
“Yeah, Pooh Bear. Help me”, says a bummed out Duke.
Pooh Bear? I don’t know what to do. Should I laugh, should I cry, should I run?
“OK, Duke. I want you to stand up”, orders the Panda.
“A-ha”
We hear some noises. I think the guy’s standing up.
“You up? You standing?” asks the Panda.
“A-ha”
“OK. I want you to drop the knife”
“Where are the burglars?”
“They’re all gone. They’re all fucking gone, man. Gone far away. Drop the knife. Come on, Le Duke”.
We hear the clang of the knife as it hits the floor. I’m scared as fuck, and I know Walt and Robbie are just the same.
“OK, Duke. Good boy. Now, I’m gonna open the door. And everything will be alright, OK?”, says the Panda.
“A-ha. Alright”
Panda looks at us, winks an eye, and starts opening the door very gently.
Panda enters the room, and we can’t see shit. We’re still at the beginning of the hall. We wonder if the Duke maybe has a gun, and we’re gonna here a blast and then we’ll start running out the door. I don’t know. I’m not sure I even wanna do some blow anymore after this, if we do happen to get any.
After a few seconds, Panda slowly comes out of the room with a naked thin looking motherfucker by his side. The Panda is hugging him, and for the first time I see another person hugging the Panda. They’re actually both hugging each other. This is not a pretty sight. The Duke is thin as hell, and he has some cuts on his body, apparently from the knife he just had. He’s almost like a baby now. He’s calm. Not the crazy motherfucker who was trying to slash Panda’s toes off.
“Where are his clothes?”, asks Walt.
The Panda has a face that says he has no fucking clue.
“They were too tight, man”, answers the Duke, who’s obviously still very ‘whacked out’
“Let’s get you down stairs and take care of those little cuts, Dukie Boy”, says the Panda.
Now what the fuck is the Panda treating this guy like he’s his fucking son-slash-brother? The Panda is never this caring with his friends, so I would have never expected he would behave like this with his fucking dealer. I hate the Panda.

While in the kitchen, poor Duke is sitting on the counter and Panda is cleaning this guy’s wounds, and he’s putting band-aids and shit, and I just wanna puke at the sight of it all. Robbie, Walt and I just wanna get high or something, so we forget about the fucking situation, which seems like it is already taken care of, and we get down to business.
“So, Mr. Duke”, I start saying, “we’re interested in some blow. Good, good blow. We understand you’re the man”.
Fucking Duke just turns and looks at me, I don’t even think he understands. He looks back to the Panda.
“We need some blow, Duko”, says the Panda.
“A-ha”.
“You got any blow?”, Panda insists.
“Blow?”
“Yeah, blow. You’re the blow man. We need blow”.
“I’m out of blow, dude. I’m out of blow, dude”.
We just can’t believe our fucking ears. I mean, what time is it? The whole fucking night wasted on this shit. God damn it.
Panda looks at us.
“No blow, sorry”, says the Duke. “But I got killer crack, man”.
I look at Robbie and Walt. I look at Panda. Panda looks at all of us.
No fucking way. Crack is whack, motherfucker, remember?
“I ain’t doing no crack”, says Robbie.
“No way”, says Walt.
I look at the Panda. “Don’t even think about it”.
The Panda agrees. Goes back to the Duke”.
“Were you by any chance doing crack today, Dukie Boy?”
“A-ha. This stuff is the shit, man. The shit”.
“No fucking way I’m touching that stuff. I’m not gonna end up like the fucking Duke of Hazard here”, I say to Panda.
Panda tells me to calm down. It’s obvious he’s not interested either. It’s good to know the Panda can reason sometimes.
“Hey, Duko”, the Panda says, “what’s your address?”
“My address?”
“Yes, your address”.
“1099 Rhode Island Rd”.
The Panda looks at us.
“You better call Earache”.
Yeah.

The Patience of a Saint

2009-07-01T13:36:00.001-04:30

Mary was running down the hall. Her hands were tied, so when she stumbled and fell, her face hit the floor and her nose started bleeding again. It hadn't bled since I hit her a couple of hours ago. When she fell down I had to turn her over and try to calm her. I hate the screaming desperate type. Why can't they be more like Matthew. A couple of minutes ago Matthew was sitting on his usual blood stained chair, and it was his turn, and he knew it (he always comes after Virginia). Matt didn't even look at me, he just sat there, eyes fixed on the floor, waiting for me to do my thing. Matt the Patient, that's what I call him. He never opens his mouth - only to spit blood, never to say one fucking word.

So there I was holding Mary down, telling her everything will be alright, but she just kept screaming. I hit her a couple of times, nothing. She only stopped her bitching and moaning when I shot Virginia. She was her best friend. It's funny. If they're hitting or cutting me, I probably wouldn't scream, but if someone shot my best friend, I guess I would. Maybe Matthew would scream if I shot his best friend. But he says he doesn't have any friends. I think he's like me. The point is, ever since that day, Mary never cried, screamed, bitched or moaned again. Silent Mary, sitting next to Matthew, had become a sharpener for my knife, a target for my gun, a cheek for my kisses, a hole for my cock. And that's when Matt started acting funny: looking up, speaking up, calling me names, telling me to leave her alone.

What had change? He was always my favorite one. What happened? Did he miss Virginia? Did he not like the way I made love to Mary? I wanted to know. So one day I was inside Mary, and she just laid there, hands tied behind her back, face down on the floor, looking at a distant point on the wall, and Matthew started yelling, telling me to stop, telling me to let him go. I even got the feeling he was threatening me, a clear warning that if I didn't stop and set him free he would hurt me, he would actually kill me. So I had to know. I needed to know. I stopped. I stood up, and with a gun in one hand and a knife in the other, I cut the ropes holding his arms and his legs. His eyes were those of a madman. As soon as he started getting up and rubbing his wrists, I took a few steps back and silently looked at him, this raging beast of a man. He looked at me, then looked at Mary, got down, and started raping her. Just then, she began screaming.

God, how I hate all the bitching and moaning in the world.
I shot Matt.
I kicked his body off of Mary, and she became dear old Silent Mary again.
Poor old Matt. I think he really was like me.

Ties

2009-02-18T14:07:00.001-04:30

I turn around and ask Laura to please speak up because I can't hear very well. She asks me why, and I tell her it's because of all those years I spent going almost every night to discos listening to loud music. She looks at me and somehow I get the feeling she doesn't understand or she doesn't give a damn, probably both. She points to the radio and tells me something. I ask her to please speak up. She yells that I should turn off the radio because it’s too loud. I look at the radio and turn the volume down. I look back at Laura. She rolls her eyes, opens the folder by her side, and reads the name Anthony Horatio Marshall. I confirm if it is Anthony Horatio Marshall, because I can't hear very well - all those nights clubbing - and she repeats, she yells at me that yes, the name is Anthony Horatio Marshall. I repeat the name Anthony Horatio Marshall to myself. I turn back and gaze at the road. I turn to my left and see Max. He's driving carefully, not fast, not slowly, and he's acting like he's not paying any attention to us, although I do realize that he has turned off the radio. I tell him I’m sorry I turned down the volume, I can’t hear very well. He ignores me completely.

I wait a few seconds and then I tell him the name is Anthony Horatio Marshall, and without turning his head, without getting his eyes off the road, he tells me that he knows, he heard us. Laura looks at me and starts laughing. She then tells Max to lighten up, to relax. Max looks at her through the rearview mirror and looks back at the road. I keep talking to Laura since she's the only one actually talking in the car, besides me, of course. I turn around and tell her the names Margaret Josephine Miller and Anthony Horatio Marshall. She nods. She tells me that those are some names. She looks for approval. I nod. I keep talking, trying to keep the conversation alive. I ask her what it is like to be a genetic engineer. She tells me she has no idea, that although she studied that, she works as a saleswoman. I pretend I understand by saying the word Oh. Then I laugh and I tell her that I would have thought someone mad enough to have studied genetic engineering would have to be mad enough not to make a career out of it. She looks at me like she doesn't t understand me. I leave it like that.

About a minute of silence fills the air and then I ask her how many children she has. Before she answers I confirm if she has two. She corrects me by saying she has three. I let her know I heard her by saying the word OK. She asks me how many kids I have. I tell her I don't have any kids. She says the word Oh. She then confirms if I'm married. I let her know that yes, I am married, but no children. She says the word Oh again. I ask her if she's married. She says that no, she isn't, not anymore. Then she lets out the word Fucker into the air, not directed at me, obviously, and her eyes roll again. An awkward silence fills the car. Then out of respect, I guess, she asks me what it is that I do. I say that I am a lawyer. She asks me if I like being a lawyer. I say that I guess I do. I tell her both of my parents are lawyers. She gives me a funny look, and says the phrase Your Parents, emphasizing on the word Parents. I tell her that she knows what I mean. She says that yes, she knows. A sad look appears on her face.

I wait about half a minute and though I know Max is probably not going to answer, I proceed to talk to him anyway. I ask him if he's married, if he has any kids. He doesn't say a word. Not even shakes or nods his head. A few silent seconds invade us. I am grateful to Laura for breaking the silence by asking me if I want to see some pictures of her kids. I smile and tell her that that would be nice. I look at the pictures and they are beautiful kids. Healthy looking kids. I let her know this, and she smiles. I look at one of the kids and look at Max. I look at Max and then at one of the kids. I repeat this several times. I think she notices what I'm doing, and she says the word Yes three times and then informs me that she knows. She then proceeds to put the pictures back in her purse, and her smile disappears.

Max turns the radio back on, and the volume is way up. I look at Laura, Laura looks at me, and she climbs into the front of the car and turns off the radio. Suddenly she asks Max, in a loud voice, if he's going to talk to us because he's being really rude and that's not nice. She says that this is not easy for any of us, that this is very hard and that it would be nice if we got to know each other a little bit before we got there. She asks him if he thinks it’s easy for her to have found out two days ago that we existed, that all this life she thought she had has been one big illusion. She tells him that she’s scared shitless and that she has no idea what’s going to happen. She then proceeds to let him know that he should stop acting like a jerk and share a little with us. She says that the three of us were completely strangers on Thursday, but now our eyes, our noses, our whole faces bind us more than anything. She asks him if he thinks it’s easy for her to find out that her younger kid looks a hell of a lot like him. She looks at me and says that her kid even looks a little like me. She says that that freaks her out, so he better be nice. She then looks back at me at me and tells him that a few minutes ago I said my parents were lawyers. She emphasizes the words His Parents. She laughs. She asks him if he knows what she means. She informs us that her parents are dead. She then repeats the words My Parents, and rolls her eyes. She tells us she loved them very much, but somehow that doesn’t do it for her. Not now. She grabs the folder and starts slapping it on the seat. She says that these names, the names in the folder, changed everything for her, and she’s certain it changed everything for us too. She then leans back, breathes in, calms down and shakes her head. I stare at her.

I stare at her, then at him, then at her again, and I don't say a single word. She says the word So, and then proceeds to ask Max, in a calmed and quiet voice, if he's married, if he's got any kids. He looks through the rearview mirror and says that he's divorced. She asks him about kids. He says that no. Then he says that yes. Laura’s voice gets loud again and she tells him to make up his mind. She gets angry, but in a sad way. Or maybe she gets sad in an angry way, I'm not sure, and then he says that yes, he has one kid, but that he never sees him. Laura asks him what he means he never sees him. He repeats that he never sees him. She asks him if his wife, ex-wife, doesn’t let him see him. He says that no. Then he says that he doesn’t know. Laura loses it and yells at him to make up his mind, for God’s sake. Laura then looks at me and tells me that she doesn’t understand this guy, that he says yes and no and I don’t know, and then her eyes focus on Max again and she asks him if he has some kind of problem with simple yes and no question, but she can’t really finish saying this, because she gets interrupted by Max. He yells at her that yes, he has a kid, and that no, he never sees him, because he left his family a long time ago. He tells us that he’s ashamed, that he feels horrible for doing what he did, that every day he thinks about his son, that he wishes he could see him again, but that he can’t, he just can’t. Then his voice rises up a little bit and he says the word So, followed by a request to Laura not to tell him that this is not easy. He screams that he knows it’s not easy, emphasizing on the word Know. That he more than anybody knows it’s not easy. He finally tells her to back off. His eyes are all watery. Laura looks at me. I look at her. Then she tells him that she's sorry, and her voice is quiet and low again.

Silence fills the car for the rest of the trip.

Suddenly the car comes to a stop, and Max says that we have arrived. We stay in the car for a minute and then we get out. We stand in front of the house and Laura asks why we are here, what we are going to do, what we are going to say. I tell her I have no idea. Then Max says he will ask them why they did it, and then he'll forgive them.

Moons

2009-02-10T08:43:00.003-04:30

no matter where we are, we can always look at the moon and feel closer than ever.

Intentions Uncertain

2009-01-14T17:14:00.000-04:30

a woman jumps out the window.
a man walks past a cafe.
a dog, whose intentions are uncertain, barks at a tree.
an airplane falls in flames.
a car's tires screech on the pavement.
a young girl is kissed for the first time.
another young girl is raped.
a flower blooms.
a joke is not understood.
a mystery is incorrectly solved.
a 7-year-old boy dies from a heart attack.
a cat is sacrificed.
a book is written.
tragedy appears.
love unfolds.
caresses disturb.
bite the hand that hits you, and hit those mouths which bite.
only then will you learn the true meaning of being wrong.

The Disjointed Loop

2009-01-05T10:46:00.001-04:30

... but she never knew how to forget those things. and thank god she didn't. suddenly the water is not that high and the ground is still there to hold us. it's that time of year when i remember her. it's that time of year when i regret everything. it's that time of year when i wish it were pure again. could it be these are sentences which never end? could it be these are dreams from which you can never wake up? could it be that the rain will never stop from falling until the flood has taken everything? maybe there's not supposed to be an end. maybe this goes on and on and on. one silent scream. one endless waltz. one apology over and over again. it's funny how we never finished what we started. it's funny how the pain insists upon itself. it's funny how...

A Night In

2008-12-18T14:19:00.002-04:30

there's a storm outside. a permanent banging on the door. the lights are turned out. we're sitting on the floor, chins on our knees. we embrace. we're scared, not letting go of each other. a car crashes into a tree. screams, moans, distant sirens. we can smell the fire and the smoke making its way through the rain into our home. someone's on the roof. we can hear the steps. jenny starts trembling. i think i'm going to faint. i feel useless, not being able to help her. she begs me to help her. a window breaks upstairs. we pull ourselves even closer together. i don't believe i'm able to run, not even walk. i feel my legs cannot hold my body. the tv upstairs turns on. we can hear the news, but i can't understand the words. jenny yells at them to get out. get out of our home, she says. we hear a loud breaking noise. the tv has just been destroyed. a dead silence inside the house fills the air. suddenly, the banging on the door, the screams outside, the sirens, the moans, the fire... they don't matter. there's someone inside. he's getting closer. we hear him walking down the stairs. jenny lets go of my arm. i'm bruised. she grabs my hand. she squeezes me tight. i squeeze back. i know it hurts. in a moment like this, it doesn't matter. nothing matters. where she was last night. who has been calling her. those numbers on her phone. those marks on her body. that funny taste on her lips when she kisses me. nothing matters now. the figure appears in front of us. he stands there for a few seconds, then starts advancing towards us. i close my eyes. i squeeze her hand until i know i'm tearing into her flesh. i want her to feel pain. even if i suffer the most grotesque and disturbing death right now, i just hope she suffers more. that's all.

Season's Greetings

2008-12-16T14:57:00.001-04:30

the house is empty, and what did you expect?
those noises at night. that banging on the window.
the musical mattress that seems to be resting on top of you, suffocating your every breath, reminding you in the morning that you'll be late for something.
you can hear the ghosts. you can feel the whispers.
you know they're out there. you know they're watching. but they've been long gone since her death.
shadows pretend to scream at every note you play on the piano, but your left ear has been blasted from your brain, while you torture the neighbors with your yawns and indifference.
you need a friend. you need a dog.
you can only sense she needs the same, but you're too lazy to even think of changing things.
the clock on the wall hangs motionless, dead from the celebrations of your failures.
you sigh. you weep. you smile for her, but she pretends nothing's wrong. it's all her. it's all here. that's the way her world moves.
she pretends it's all going to be a disaster, a headless god in a maze, a six-year-old girl in a wheelchair, when "OK" seems to describe things better, even if a little bit less poetic, a little less philosophical, more real.
you say nothing. you know it's too late. the floor is cold, and your feet are pale. the tracks on the wooden floor, on the carpet, clearly show how you've been walking from the bar to your room and back, and your room is as cold as the floor. there are no walls, no ceiling, just six cold floors waiting for you to warm up the air.
you wait. you're tired.
you sleep. you try.
you're alone.
what did you expect?

But Hey: Nightclubbing (Part 5)

2008-12-09T13:48:00.004-04:30

“You know, that was very nice of you, what you did over there”, says Renee.
Now, I’m alone. Lauren’s in the bathroom. Renee is talking to me. I feel like I’ve just pushed Leonardo off the fucking Titanic, and spared everyone from half a fucking movie, this way earning the title of King of the Fucking World. You’re all welcome, assholes. So yes, I’ll talk to Renee. And even though I know what she’s saying, and I know what she means – yeah, the glass of vodka, the vodka tonic I bought her – I proceed to ask.
“And what exactly did I do over there?”, I say this in my most sexy fucked up voice.
“You know, that drink you gave me”, and I swear she’s flirting with me. I’m not drunk. Not yet. She’s flirting with me alright.
“Oh, that was nothing”, and I swear I can hear all the fucking James Bonds rolled into one big JB when I say this. This is my James Bond moment. She smiles.
“And your girlfriend doesn’t mind?”
Shit. She has mentioned Lauren. Not good. And I know this is stupid, and I will regret it, but I don’t give a damn. I swallow the last half of my drink down, and say the words that will definitely cost me a lot of trouble in the future. The fucking near future.
“Who? That girl? She’s not my girlfriend”.
Renee smiles, and I know she knows I’m lying. But the good part is that she smiled. So me lying means me flirting. Flirting back. Remember she was flirting first. She knows I‘m flirting. She’s smiling. I wish Lauren would fall down in the bathroom and break her neck with the toilet. Please, don’t let Lauren come back. Please.
“So what do you do?”, Renee asks me and I just can’t wait to tell her all about what the fuck I do.
“Well, I’m a…”, but Walt comes running towards me, and the fucker stands, again, in front of me. Right between Renee and me. I hate him so much right now. I hate his fucking guts.
“Hey man, it’s Lauren. She’s dancing with some guy on the dance floor”.
Now, I get anxious for a second, but hey, that’s fucking great. Just makes it all fucking great. If Lauren’s with some guy, then there’s nothing wrong with me being here FLIRTING with Renee. This is my night.
“Great. No problem, Walt”, I smile to my friend, and smile back to Renee.
Walt just says, “Oh OK. (Silence) I’m gonna do some more blow”, and goes away, as fast as he showed up.
“So, where were we?”, James Bond moment building up again.
“You were telling me you’re a…”, and she’s fucking smiling and flirting and she wants me so bad.
“Right. I’m a…”.
“Hey baby”, a gorilla stands right in front of me, between Renee and I, just like fucking Walt, except this guy’s huge, and suddenly I’m not staring at some coked up eyes, but a sweaty back.
“Hi babe”, says Renee as she kisses him on the lips. No tongue, just a lippy kiss, the kind women give to their boyfriends in public places.
“Look, this is…”, and she moves the guy to a side, and tries to introduce him to me.
“Ah, Jack. Jack…”.
“Hi”, says the fucking gorilla and he turns his back on me again and keeps talking to his sweetheart. The nerves on that guy.
Renee looks at me from behind the gorilla, and says “Well, bye, nice to meet you…”.
“Jack”.
“Bye”, and she’s gone.
I wanna die.
I look to my right and see Lauren dancing with some asshole. She’s looking at me and she’s smiling. I know she has seen everything. She saw how I flirted with Renee, she saw how the gorilla came, and she saw how they left. Together. I bet she even knows that right now Renee still doesn’t know my fucking name.
This is not my night.
I hang my head down, take a deep breath, put the empty glass on a table, and head to the dance floor.
“Hey Panda. Where the fuck have you been?”, I say.
This is definitely not my night.

But Hey: Nightclubbing (Part 4)

2008-12-09T13:48:00.003-04:30

Suddenly Walt comes into the picture. I can tell he saw me from the dance floor, because he's running towards me, sweating horribly all over the place. He has a glass of rum and coke on his left hand ("always grab your drink with your left hand, that way you can touch the bitches with your right one", the fucker always says, like if he wanted to be quoted by important scholars in the future. Dicklicker), and he jumps right in front of me. I can tell he doesn't even notice Lauren. And what does he say? (And yes, I can tell he's being doing blow all night, just by the way he's screaming. Screaming so much, even Marty can hear the fucker).
"Guess who's here tonight? And she's looking as hot as ever, man".
I wanna die. Right before he speaks I actually think of saying: "Lauren? She's right here WITH ME, MOTHER FUCKER". But it's too long a sentence, and he just goes right out and says it.
"RENEE... FUCKING..." and he’s doing this stupid 360 degrees turn he always does when he's terribly excited (and powdered up). The funny thing is - yes, "funny" - he stops at 180 degrees right when he has Lauren in front of him.
"... Sterling".
I'm dead.

“Hi, Lauren”, Walt says, and Lauren is silent as fuck. She looks at me and starts heading into the dance floor. I grab her arm, and she gives me that look. Now, when we see in the movies that the guy grabs the woman by the arm, you can sense she kinda likes it, she really enjoys this manly beast stopping her. Not with Lauren. Actually not with any woman I know. Do not do this in real life. Anyway. So Lauren just lets me know with her killing look that I should probably let go of her arm, and that I do. Before she keeps going her way, she says in a very soft and quiet voice that she’s going to the bathroom. How I understood her, I have no fucking clue. I think of Marty and how he reads lips. Who knows, maybe I should be a fucking bartender. So I turn back to Walt, who has a face that says he KNOWS he has fucked up but doesn’t give a damn.
“Oops”, he says.
“Oops indeed, shit-for-brains”, I answer back.
I just forget the whole thing. There’s actually nothing to do about it.
“Who did you come with?”, I ask Walt, drinking my vodka tonic.
“Just some of the guys. Mark, Robbie, the Panda”.
“The Panda’s here?”, I ask surprised. I haven’t seen the Panda since he got his father’s much younger wife pregnant. But I do not want to spend the night talking to the Panda. Fuck the Panda. He might be Walt’s best friend, but I never really liked the guy. He’s just fun to be around, that’s all.
“Where the fuck’s the Panda, man? I gotta talk to that son of a bitch”, I lie.
Walt points to the dance floor, and yes, how could I not have noticed him before? There’s the mother fucking Panda. Big boy Panda. Extremely hard not to notice the prick, with his size and all. Look at him, doing his Michael-Jackson-on-crack dance. Shit, motherfucker hasn’t changed a bit. I turn around and head the other way, but who’s standing in front of me? This night is too weird. Alright.

But Hey: Nightclubbing (Part 3)

2008-12-09T13:48:00.001-04:30

We move to the bar. I do the same high five fisty thing with Marty the bartender, and I see that Lauren is looking at me. She's twitching a tiny smile. She's proud of me. Proud that her man is such a "big thing" here in RadioActive. The truth is I'm worth shit here, but I tip these guys pretty good, so hey, I guess I've earned my place. I ask for two vodka tonics. It's very loud, but Marty's an expert, the fucking man can read lips, so he goes and brings me two tall glasses filled with this beautiful liquid, which I know will fuck me up tonight and make me have a blast. I pay Marty, and hand Lauren her drink, and that stupid little twitching smile starts fading. Actually, it fucking disappears in a hundredth of a second.
"What?", I ask.
"You know I can't drink alcohol now”.
"Why not?”, and as soon as I ask “why not”, I get it. I didn't know, but now I get it. But why did I have to ask "why not?" I know what's coming. I know what's happening. The things is this, let me explain. For some reason, when Lauren has her period, she doesn't like to drink alcohol. Hey, it's cool. I respect that. What I don't fancy is that she pretends that I FUCKING REMEMBER when she has her period. Hey, yeah, I can do the math, but I have other things to worry about, so just fucking tell me, or let me know, or how about a "Baby, remember, no alcohol tonight... you know…" when I'm going over to the bar. That would really fucking help. So here it goes. Action.
"BECAUSE I CAN'T DRINK ALCOHOL. You fucking know why. I have my…", her voice rising and suddenly going down again, like she can't say the word PERIOD out loud.
It's fucking loud in here, no one will hear her. No one gives a fuck what we're talking about.
Well, apparently.
Watch this shit.
"I can have that extra vodka tonic if you don't want it", says Renee Sterling from behind Lauren.
Now, how the fuck did I NOT notice that Renee was in front of me, behind Lauren? I have no clue. I guess I was too worried wondering what the fuck was wrong with a word like PERIOD. This is not good. Lauren slowly turns around, and sees Renee. Lauren doesn't say a word. And what do I do? I fuck up. I give Renee the drink.
"Thanks. It's $8, right?", and as she starts handing me the money, I fuck up again.
"No, that's ok", I say.
Now, I’ll be honest. I know THAT's what I wanted to say. Yeah, fucking Renee Sterling is in front of me. This is probably the only time in the world when I will have the chance to buy her a drink, at least, accidentally buy her a drink. So yes, I wanted to say that. Now, if I had thought about it just a tiny bit, I would have known that THAT was gonna piss Lauren off. You don’t have to be a fucking rocket scientist. It was gonna piss her extremely off. But it's Renee. I just do not think when it comes to Renee Sterling.
"Oh my, thanks. Thanks very much", and she then turns to Lauren (yes, Renee is about to speak TO Lauren).
"Quite a man you got there", and she winks at her. She FUCKING WINKS at Lauren. Not good. I need alcohol.
Now, “quite a man you got there". This sentence actually makes me fucking hard. Even though she was just being polite, this fucking rocks. In less than a minute, I bought Renee Sterling a drink, and she said I was quite a man. The circumstances may not be the ideal ones, but this makes my night. Now I wanna fucking PART-EY, sweetie. Nonchalantly, my eyes go back to Lauren, and yes, she's furious. I don't give a fuck. I don't give a fuck if she sees I don’t give a fuck.
"So you want water. A coke?".
Lauren is so pissed off right now, but big deal.
"Water will be fine", she says and rolls her eyes away from me.
"Water it is", I say. Shit, I almost sing the words out of my mouth into the beautiful sweat drenched air. I’m happy. She’s not gonna bring me down.
Marty gives me a glass of water, which I immediately give to Lauren after paying him, and she doesn't even thank me. Fuck. I don't need this.

But Hey: Nightclubbing (Part 2)

2008-12-09T13:47:00.002-04:30

When we arrive, we see there's a long line. The fucking place is packed. But hey, did I mention I know Shamal the bouncer, too? This is my place. I always come here, but not with Lauren, just for the simple reason that she hates Renee's guts. She doesn't know Renee's always here, I just sort of arrange my nights so that each time I come here, I'll be alone with the guys. Just that.
"Baby, do you know the bouncer?"
"I sure do, honey bunch. You just wait and see".
As I walk past the line, everybody's looking at me, they know what I'm about to do, and they just hate me for it. Big fucking deal. I just hope they realize they've been doing things wrong their whole life. Otherwise, they wouldn't be where they are. They wouldn’t be in that stupid line. Losers.
"Hey, my man Shamal", I say while I high five and do the little fist salute with my man Shamall.
"I see you bring a lady tonight. Well come on in, sugar", he says as he respectfully checks Lauren out.
This is just perfect, this way Lauren knows that I never come here with other girls. This will give me some brownie points tonight. Al-fucking-right.
"Yup, this is MY sugar, so be careful, man", I say to Shamall and we both laugh.
This is my place. This is my world. I'm in charge tonight. Or so I think. Because who do we fucking see as soon as we enter? Renee Sterling, standing in front of us, just like if some motherfucking aliens with a sick sense of humor had abducted her and placed her back on Earth, right here, in this very minute.
“Hey, where the fuck should we put this chick back, Greedo?”
“Hmm, how about in front of FUCKING JACK here and his GIRLFRIEND, who happens to hate this earthling's guts with all of her willpower?”
Shit. This is not going to be a good night.

Lauren sees Renee and freezes. She turns to me and senses that I'm tensed as hell. She knows I know this is not a good moment. She knows I know this is fucked up. She knows I know I want to die, and she kind of enjoys that. But hey, I think about something, and that is EXACTLY what happens. Renee never remembers me. She doesn't even know me. So while she's there in front of us, a situation which lasts about three seconds, she doesn't look at me. She doesn't even notice us. So she keeps going her way, moving through the crowd, who knows where to. Lauren releases some of the tension on her body, and I try to release whatever the fuck I can release to try to keep on pretending, and I know I’m not pretending shit, to be cool. Just be cool. Hey, it's not hard, right? Well, it's actually FUCKING hard when Renee Sterling is in front of me, way even more if I'm with Lauren. OK. Let's go.

But Hey: Nightclubbing (Part 1)

2008-12-09T13:47:00.001-04:30

Lauren brought the car to a halt. I knew what was coming.
“You wanna go to a fucking club or what?", she asked.
"Yeah, of course I wanna go to a fucking club. I wanna go out. Just like we planned".
"Then why are you fucking breaking my balls?"
Women don't have balls, but I'm thinking that correcting her is not the best thing to do at the moment. I know what her problem is. She has named four places to go, and I have said no to each and every one of them. But hey, I have my reasons.
1) Nottingham Disco & Bar - The music is rubbish. Yes, I like the eighties, but I'm in no mood to hear Walking on Sunshine or Down Under tonight, or any night for the rest of my life, for that matter.
2) Bella Nova - Definitely a no. Sharon is always there, and I know I don't want to run into her. Sharon happened way before I met Lauren, and they don’t know each other, but you can bet your ass Sharon will do anything to let Lauren know that we were very intimate in the past. VERY intimate. Yes, of course, everybody has a past, but believe me, Lauren does not want to know about Sharon and me. Bella Nova, nova way.
3) El Paso Joe's - I don't wanna sit down and eat mozzarella sticks all night. Now, that doesn't mean I wanna be dancing my ass off all night. Lauren knows I don't dance, but hey, if I wanna sit down, I'll stay in my fucking house, know what I mean? Fuck El Paso Joe's.
4) RadioActive: OK, I have to admit that this is the best option so far, but Renee LIVES in this fucking place. She's ALWAYS there. And everybody knows how much I LOVE her. OK, I don't love her, I just wanna fucking rip her clothes apart and... you get the picture. And how does everybody know this? Oh well, it all started with that stupid game of "Never Never" (well, that's how we call it, anyway), where someone says "I have never blah blah blah", and if you HAVE done that specific thing, then it's bottoms up for you. Of course, when you're playing with tequila, by the fifth question, you'll be honest about anything. And believe me, you do not want to play this with your girlfriend. No, sir. I should have never played that shit with Lauren, but hey, I did, and know she and everybody knows that I want to fuck Renee so bad. I don't even know Renee, that's what's fucking absurd. I think we've been introduced twice, but she never remembers me. She's this big hot broad from the radio, you know the kind - "I know I'm fucking hot, but I'll stay behind the mic, where no one can see me. No TV for me. NO, sir. I’m way too hot for TV". THAT HOT is what I'm talking about. That's Renee. The woman drives me crazy. So no, RadioActive is not an option.
"Don't break my balls, baby. Pick a place, please. I wanna party".
She wants to party. I hate when she says she wants to party. Just say you wanna go out. I get the point. Don't say part-ey. Shit. RadioActive. The music is excellent. Really obscure rock/electronic from the 80s and 90s. It's good to know 90% of the songs when almost none of the people recognize even one. I love that. Music's great. It’s pretty cheap. I can drink many vodka tonics, get wasted, have a good time and not spend even half as much as with El Paso Joe's fucking mozzarella sticks. I know The Pope in there, or Popy as we call him, that means an easy way to get some blow. I even know the fucking security guard near the bathroom, so I don’t have to wait to powder myself up. Shit. Renee will be there.
"Baby, I wanna go somewhere right fucking now. I wanna PART-EY".
Fuck. RadioActive it is.
"OK, baby", I say with Bambi eyes.
"You win. Let’s go to Radio”.
"I love you", she says.
I smile. Renee better be there.

Intimate Standards

2008-11-19T11:35:00.001-04:30

i wrote a story. i don't know how to finish it. it's about a boy who lives in the circus. his parents abandoned him and now he is raised by the lion tamer, who only has one arm. a lion ripped it from him during a show. when he got better, he continued with his job. the boy does not know how the lion tamer can still be doing what he does. it's the only thing he knows how to do, he tells the boy. it's his passion. it's his only true love. the boy does not understand him. with time, the boy grows up to be a young man. he meets a girl. he falls in love. she leaves him, breaking his heart. he goes after her. the lion tamer asks him why he wants to be with her after all the pain she put him through. it's the only thing he knows how to do, answers the young man. the lion tamer does not understand. i don't know how to finish the story.

Sing a Song for the Lepers

2008-11-18T10:32:00.002-04:30

you healed me
but what about the rest?
aren't they to feel what i feel?
aren't they to be free from this misery, this torment?
why me? why me? why not them?
who are you?
why so cruel?
torment the poor and save the damned
but only you decide who has the luck of being who

selfish bastard
ungrateful scum
sing a song for the lepers
and let us rot
give me back my sickness
and leave me alone
leave us all alone

"Swear to God" with Reverend Winton Dupree

2008-11-13T08:40:00.001-04:30

Lot

2008-11-04T10:01:00.002-04:30

i looked in the rearview mirror and saw her body lying on the floor. still i had to turn around, see it with my own eyes, as if i were in a house of mirrors in some dirty carnival, and reality was being distorted for me. but there she was... there it was. her motionless body thrown in the middle of the parking lot. i came to my senses, and started looking around, trying to see if someone noticed anything. i still can't believe there was nobody in sight. a couple of cars in the distance, but something told me there was no one in them. this vast sea of pavement marked by the moonlight, almost hitting her as if it were some kind of spotlight in some decadent theater. she was the main actress alright, but this was my performance of a lifetime.

jenny turned and looked at me, she was as pale as a ghost, and she muttered those words that actually made me realize what i had done. "you killed your wife". there was a cold silence for about a minute, and it seemed like forever. i had to check if she was dead. i had to confirm i did really kill her. i got out of the car, again looking around to see if somebody was there, but no one, not a soul. as i came nearer and nearer i just wondered how a body, a human body, could be placed in that position, and still be alive. i got on my knees and looked at her face. that's when i remembered the blood on the windshield. it was so disfigured and red, it made me realize jenny had told me the truth. i had killed my wife. and without analyzing the consequences, or the almost non existent possibility of me getting away with it, i understood that i was free.

i now sit here in this motel room. jenny has gone - apparently she didn't love me as much as she said she did - and outside the world is waiting for me. but i can't walk out. i can't raise my hands, i can't and will not give in. this freedom that i've showered myself in would be stupidly lost. there's just no point. so what now? it certainly feels like an end. but remember, this is my performance. the spotlight's on me now. ever since that day on that parkling lot, the spotlight shifted from that bitch's gruesome body to me, and it has not cast its light on anything or anyone else since. it's my time. time to look back and taste the flavor of this freedom i've enjoyed. no, it hasn't lasted too long, but it was all worthwhile. i close my eyes, shut my ears from the sirens and the yells, and think.

that meal a couple of days ago. the movie i saw last night. that one time jenny and i made love before she left. that song i hummed this morning while i was shaving. glorious moments bathed in a light of freedom, a freedom i've deserved, a freedom i've gained. no one can take that away fom me. not now.

and as i open the door and run towards them... i hear the sound of a war coming to an end, i hear the sound of liberty frozen forever in time. and in my distant thoughts, deep deep inside of me, i can hear my car and the sound of maggie hitting her face on my windshield.

A Distant Siren

2008-11-03T13:36:00.001-04:30

the magic nights are over, but i tremble like a man whenever your face comes into my mind. i always feel like i'm about to crash. my body is always tense. my fingers clenched to thin air. i'm just waiting for that crash. it's like waking up on your first day blind. it's like singing a song not yet written.

the magic nights are over, but i find myself crying in weddings, and laughing in funerals. your hands still grip me as if you're protecting me from myself, but you're miles away... who knows where. you just have to scream and i will find you.

the magic nights are over, but i'm still in love with you. once you've been mine, you will always be mine. i turn around when i think i hear your name. i listen to new songs i imagine you like. i go to restaurants we should have gone to but i never took the time. i buy you gifts, even though they'll never reach your hands.

the magic nights are over, but this bed still smells of you. i should have tried a little harder. i should have been more mature. a distant yell boosts up the siren in me. the fire seems to consume everything around me, but your face still saves me from getting burned.

the magic nights are over, and i still remember the pain. i can stand in front of the sea, and see the things you used to see. it doesn't matter if i don't understand them. i only have to use the words you used to describe them to me, and everything makes sense.

the magic nights are over, and i still try to make myself forget you. i still lie to myself and say i am happy. i still pretend to grow up without you. i still think it will be alright. i still miss you. i still love you. i'm still dead. you can still save me.

Avalanche Master Song

2008-10-29T08:24:00.005-04:30

... suddenly an avalanche came down on us.

i stood there looking for you and realized it was too late.
i thought i heard a sound. i though i saw something moving in the snow.
but what difference did it make? it was already too late.

and as i started walking back to the village, the sky grew clear, and the sun shone down on everything.

Razzmatazz

2008-10-28T14:19:00.000-04:30

The trouble with your brother, he's always sleeping with your mother
And I know that your sister missed her time again this month

Am I talking too fast or are you just playing dumb?
If you want I can write it down
It should matter to you but aren't you the one
with your razzmatazz and the nights on the town?

Oh you knew it and you blew it, didn't you babe?
I was lying when I asked you to stay

Now no-one's gonna care
If you don't call them when you said
And he's not coming round tonight to try and talk you into bed
And all those stupid little things, they ain't working
No they ain't t working

You started getting fatter three weeks after I left you
Now you're going with some kid who looks like some bad comedian

Are you gonna go out, are you sitting at home
Eating boxes of Milk Tray?
Watch TV on your own, aren't you the one
With your razzmatazz and your nights on the town?

And your father wants to help you, doesn't he babe?
But your mother wants to put you away

Now no-one's gonna care
If you don't call them when you said
And he's not coming round tonight to try and talk you into bed
And all those stupid little things, they ain't working
Oh they ain't t working anymore

Well I saw you at the doctor's waiting for a test
You tried to look like some kind of heiress, but your face is such a mess
And now you're going to a party and you're leaving on your own
I'm sorry but didn't you say that things go better with a little bit of razzamatazz?

And now no-one's gonna care
If you don't call them when you said
And he's not coming round tonight to try and talk you into bed
Now it's half past ten in the evening and you wish that you were dead
'cos all those stupid little things
No they ain't working, oh they ain't t working anymore

Written by Cocker / Senior / Doyle / Mackey / Banks

A Jump to Unusual Places

2008-10-08T11:31:00.001-04:30

she closed her eyes and told me about her dream
i was not a part of it
but neither was she
golden rivers flowing through a maze
should we turn around and run to the exit?
people often make false promises
especially if they're in love
such horrors were perpetrated into the acids of our beings
sacrificing divine gifts sent from a heaven each one of us pictured differently in our minds
can't we forget the decisions which took us to the lowest part of our shame
only to be turned into torments regrettably focused on the wrong people?
destiny fails to impress me
your words are lost inside their woven meaning
your dream has ended
you are awake
tell me the truth now
tell me what this is all about

Force a smile upon your face

2008-10-06T09:37:00.003-04:30

i told you i was cleansing myself

Once Upon a Plague

2008-09-26T16:05:00.000-04:30

unlock the doors
open the windows
come out and breathe the fine air
play with the dead animals and caress the soil
for today will be the first day again
see the clouds moving and giving way to a bright new sun
listen closely and you will hear the birds' song still in the sky
though their bodies lay motionless at your feet

breathe in, my dear
breathe out

now that you're free to come out again
you will still feel me
you will still feel my presence even though i'm long gone
for the misery surrounding you will cast a permanent shadow on your thoughts
tormenting your memory with the fire that used to burn

you can come out now
you can breathe the air
and even though my love has gone
you will still find it there

The Sofa

2008-09-18T09:30:00.002-04:30

this sofa.

back when i was 12 years old, i kissed shirley marshall on this very same couch. my parents were out and she came over and we were watching some movie, can't really remember which one it was, but i remember that kiss like it was yesterday.

this sofa.

two years after that i had my first sexual experience on this couch. i was also watching a movie, but this time it was with beatrice macdonald. my parents were out of town for the weekend. she came over. larry and the guys were also supposed to come over, but something happened on the way and they couldn't make it. thank god. like all first times, it was rather awkward, and things didn't turn out the way they were supposed to, but it was special. oh, and for some reason i do remember which movie we were watching, but that's not important.

this sofa.

i made love to lots of girls on it during my highschool years, and when i went off to college i kind of missed it. having sex on my bed wasn't bad, but i guess i just missed the sofa's charm. any position i decided to be on was the right one, was comfortable, was right. every now and then when i was visiting my family, i didn't waste a single moment to have sex on it, or hey, just sit or lie there and watch tv. i wasn't going back home, i was going back to the sofa.

then i met claire. and we fell in love. when i went home for thanksgiving on my senior year, she came with me and we just lied on the couch, talking, kissing, making love whenever my parents were out. everything was perfect. it became such an important part of our lives, i was so glad she understood its magic.

this sofa.

when we god married and moved into our own apartment, my mother knew this was the first and most important piece of furniture i needed to have... WE needed to have. and i was always very thankful that i didn't need to ask for it, she just gave it to me. my dad wanted to give me a new one, said it was too old and smelly, ha, but mother knew it was the right thing to do.

so that was our apartment. very small, one bed in the bedroom, the tv and the sofa. we spent most of the time on the sofa, watching tv, eating, talking, making love. the sofa became our apartment, it became OUR home. sometimes it was difficult for us to sleep on the bed, at night she would wake up and drag me by the arm to the sofa. there we would sleep so deeply. we were at peace.

this sofa.

our home began to have more furniture. there was finally a table where we could eat, some bookstands, desks, lamps, everything. it looked like a real home. and in the middle of all the new furniture was this old sofa. several times we would stand on store windows just looking at the sofas, the new sofas, and nobody said a word. we both knew that buying a new sofa was the "correct" thing to do, but that meant letting go of OUR sofa, our special sofa, and that was definitely a no-no.

franklin was born and with him came a new air in our home. he became an extension of our life, of our home, of the sofa. now this piece of furniture was a cradle, not only to claire and i, but now to the three of us. we would move the real baby cradle next to the sofa, and just sleep there in the living room. our backs never hurt. i guess happiness protected our bodies from any pain. we were a happy family. a happy family in a happy home. but then it all changed. children change everything. franklin changed our lives.

this sofa.

yes, it was old, and yes, it probably was dirty. claire started sleeping in the bedroom more frequently. she said that the sofa was so dirty, it was not good for the baby. at first i got mad, but i understood her. i got the sofa cleaned, it cost a fortune. i thought that would make everyone happy again. but she was so concerned for franklin that she spent less and less time on the sofa. even though it was clean, it didn't look clean. that was her view on the subject. for her, it was never to be clean again.

so we started to grow apart. i spent more time on the sofa, she spent more time in the bedroom. some days i would force myself to sleep with them, but i didn't feel she was appreciating it. i would go to bed with her, and as soon as she fell asleep, i would go to the living room and lie down in MY cradle. i slept like a baby there. and the sex, well, there wasn't that much of a sexlife anymore, but the times we did make love, she preferred to do it on the bed. she didn't want her naked body to be in contact with the supposedly existent dirt on the sofa. we grew apart.

this sofa.

i've been sleeping on this sofa for six months now. she closes the bedroom door every night. we hardly speak. last time we had a real conversation, it was about the divorce. i'm moving out in two days. i found a little apartment on the other side of the city. it's very nice. i'm ready to start my new life. i've been thinking about it, and it makes me happy. having my own place, nobody's but mine, it makes me feel young again. it's something i'm looking forward to. new apartment, new life, new bed, new tv, new dishes, new silverware... and that sofa. that old stupid dirty sofa.

you know what?

you can keep the sofa, bitch.

The Bet

2008-09-18T09:30:00.001-04:30

she said i t was going to be ok.
she lied, but i knew she was lying.
and that's how i realized i loved her.

she had a lover.
i think it was ricky.
i had one, but marie moved abroad last year.
i think we both knew about each other's affairs but that didn't stop us from changing our lives and devote ourselves to one another.
we had broken up several times, and several times we got back together.
we used to joke with our friends that they were free to bet how long we would last together.
we laughed, but we were actually sad deep inside. we only wanted to be happy.

on our last vacation we went to visit her parents.
we died on the airplane.
i never thought i'd die on an airplane crash.
we were arguing.
it was very uncomfortable to argue in public, because we didn't want to make a scene. it was always better if we were all alone and we could shout and yell.
just before crashing she held my hand.
she said it was going to be ok.
i smiled.

The Elegant Blow to the Heart

2008-07-23T09:13:00.002-04:30

sorrow must have put this wingless angel before me
promising to take me to some far away desert
where trees grow only when you love
but everybody knows angels do not exist

desire breaks the chains that bind me to your heart
but can the heart fulfill its own destiny?
i dare say it doesn't, but lies just fill up my mouth
so don't listen to me, for there is no such thing as destiny

shall we curse this game until we both have lost
or is it better to sink into the depths of the ocean until no one can save us?
there are two options, but we should only choose one
that is true in almost everything

one day the doors will fling open and you will finally find what you've been looking for
if by any chance i am standing on the outside - besides you - looking in
do not hesitate on letting me know and telling me all about it
even though i will have already turned around and started walking away

only then will i learn... there were never any options

Anymore

2008-06-04T10:17:00.003-04:30

the elegant blow to the heart
the careful slash to your lover's face
the unseen angel with a message from above
the loving serenity of disgrace

it was our time

now it's just mine

The Follower

2008-05-11T11:59:00.002-04:30

there was this boy. you remember, peter? he used to come to school with these bruises on his arms. these cuts. we used to call him cut-boy, remember? i believe he used to sit beside shirley marshall in the chemistry lab. she sure was pretty. i always wanted to sit next to her. but the boy. what was his name? can't remember. this boy. cut-boy. he used to be extremely shy and never spoke to people. they sure made a lot of fun of him. well, WE made a lot of fun of him. but the real badass guys in the class, george, ernest and... the blond one... yes, victor, they would really get on this guy's nerves. i remember one day they pushed him so hard, poor cut-boy fell on his face and his glasses broke so badly that a little piece of glass went right into his left eye. don't ask me why i remember it was his left eye, i just remember. well, cut-boy had to be taken to the infirmary and there was this little trail of blood on the corridor, all the girls started screaming. don't you remember any of this? well, exactly one day after the glass-in-the-eye event, cut-boy started talking in class. but not your typical regular bullshit classroom talk. no. he would say these weird things, very nasty things, pervert things, marquis de sade shit, right in the middle of the classroom, right there in front of the teacher, during a class. he would just start talking, saying this stuff about him fucking his mother, or cutting shirley's head and keeping it in his bedroom until the stench of decay would fill his entire room, and then inhaling all the air until his lungs were filled with her essence. i remember like it was yesterday, this crazy stuff would come out of his mouth and everybody was like... “what the fuck is he saying?”, “what's happening?” he would start pointing at every person in class, girls AND boys, and describe what he would do with their corpses, how he would fuck them. peter, crazy things, pornographic stuff that i only tell you now because diane and the children aren't here. she would kill me if she heard me describe this cut-boy guy. and well, of course, he got expelled for a few days, and then he came back, and again, it was like there was so much anger in him, it seemed like the glass in the eye just popped, just activated this force, this strength, this magnificent presence inside of him, and we ended up with this aberration of a person speaking nonsense in the classroom. and let me tell you, he wouldn't take shit from anybody, not anymore. no way. no one dared touch him, or even say anything to offend him. just cut-boy and his mouth, speaking these horrible things, these weird, obscene words. and well, the expellings happened like three or four times more, until naturally he was kicked out of school for good. nobody ever heard anything about him.

now, pete, my fucking question is: which cut-boy was better, the one who would take shit from everybody and not defend himself, OR the one who went crazy, berserk, who turned into an aberration and lost it all, BUT stood up for himself and didn't let anyone put a finger on him?

i don't know. i wish i could talk like that to diane. i just can't stand it anymore.

Refusal

2008-05-07T10:01:00.007-04:30

you're losing me

precious feelings wrapped in velvet drapes cannot begin to understand the sadness that confronts me in this very moment, a moment i have so frightenedly expected for a long time.

you're losing me

patience has grown tired of the weary attack made upon my devotion for you which has tied myself to your charms, to your beauty, to my respect for everything that seems to emanate from you.

you're losing me

all of the things i have learned from our love have been piling up at the end of the gutter, awaiting a fate no one can predict, no one can be sure of. should we sit and wait, or rise up and take actions upon our hands?

you're losing me

even though our hearts will forever be tormented by the beauty of what we were, a light has grown dimmer and will probably fade sooner than later. how long until we are left in the darkness of the rest of our lives?

you're losing me

meanings have changed and smiles have grown older. words have disappeared and time has deteriorated in our favour. we are what we are. those who we were have long waved their last good byes. i refuse to raise my arm.

you're losing me

you're losing me, and i'm losing you.

The Drowned Ones

2008-03-27T10:29:00.009-04:30

we move together
we move towards the sanities and the maladies
crumbling upon the night like the waters falling behind our backs
trembling into a pit as dark and lonely as the enemy's heart
for it is he who is dark and unprecious
he who is younger and inexperienced
and it is he who dreams of power and death
power and death which he cannot use, does not know how to use
does not know how to squeeze to obtain the fruits for a new life

it is us, my dear
alone
and together
who will substitute the menaces in our lives
with the hopes in our minds
all the way to the thrills of the heart
all the way to the ruins of our love

we move together
we move through the forests and the plains
through the rivers which have caused us to drown as many a child as st. christopher would have desired
would have longed for
so long as our stories reach the end of the world
so long as our threats are undenied on holy land
we shall torment the poor
we shall conquer the damned
we shall do all of this until there is no more thirst to be quenched
and we shall move on
we shall move on to other territories
move on to the depths of this world
move on until we bleed all of our love on virgin land
for those stains will be visible for years to come
never to be washed away by mistake's tears

I will never forget...

2008-03-26T15:36:00.001-04:30

... Jeanette McDonald!

Where / When

2008-03-26T11:12:00.005-04:30

every time i say something to you when you are asleep
you really are asleep
every time i cry
you are never looking at me

why aren't you spying on me when pretty girls walk by and look right through me?

and what's the point in telling you about all the letters i've never finished just because i dont' want you to read all those corny words?

and how come when she asked me why i loved you so much... how come you weren't there listening to me. i was so drunk i can't remember, but i wish i could.

and tell me why you went away without me.

tell me what you are doing.

tell me where you are...

.
.
.

... when i miss you.

Thanks to Alz.

Appendix

2008-03-25T14:52:00.002-04:30

i know you can do it.

The Last Wish

2008-03-24T09:33:00.004-04:30

so here we are again
my lover, my friend
one more year and time is still present in our scars
we should remove ourselves from our histories, from the pages that beg to be torn from our book
i sometimes believe this will be our year
but what does it mean TO BE our year?
will we stumble and fall once again?
will we let our desires run amok and keep on hurting ourselves like a dumb tradition only we pretend to understand?
or will we do what is right... for everybody?
that's the problem when two troubled souls cross each other's paths
they always expect the other to cleanse the soul that has long been prey for love, the carcass of the heart
but in the end we know the truth
we know what we feel
how we feel
we deny reason, for reason does not make sense when mortals love as deeply as we do
we deny everything but hope
and that is our saddest truth
that is what keeps us alive
holding the eternal flame of time and illuminating the damp cave we refuse to leave

as i blow the candles
as i make a wish
i am sure this will be our year

Scales

2008-03-23T20:27:00.004-04:30

when i'm nervous, i scratch my arm
i've done it since i was a little boy

sometimes i don't want to speak in public
sometimes i don't want to be in a certain place
sometimes i just want people to go away

if we cross paths some day, and you happen to be with him
don't mind the shreds of skin on the floor
and please keep walking

The Knot

2008-03-22T13:01:00.004-04:30

do not kill a man when he is aware of his sins
do not hold him when he is sure he has loved from within
do not pray for death when life is to blame
do not eagerly wait for the heart to be tamed

do not pin hope to the wall like a butterfly undead
do not cry when you feel your life is a threat
do not kiss the night away when love is forgiven
do not cry from the altar of madness undriven

do not fire the bullet which is lost in the crowd
do not play with the thought that will scream oh so loud
do not turn to your hate when love has grown cold
do not please the maid when the lady is old

do not eat from the flesh that your body has made
do not turn to rage when the young start to fade
do not cure the priest when his sins feel forlorn
do not cut the rope when the tie is undone

do not walk in the rain when you still need to run
do not follow your dreams when the dream has long gone
do not pray for death when life is to blame
do not eagerly wait for the heart to be tamed

Up In Flames

2008-02-19T11:24:00.003-04:30

Lyrics by David Lynch
Music by Angelo Badalamenti

i fell for you baby like a bomb
now my love's gone up in flames

we're history baby
read it in a book
it ended in the fire
that started with a look

i fell for you baby like a bomb
now my love's gone up in flames

my head's full of smoke
heart's full of pain
that tender love is gone
gone up in flames

you should have shot me baby
my life is done
you could have shot me baby
shot me with a gun

i hear those sirens scream my name
i know my love is gone up in flames

The First Mile

2008-02-18T10:02:00.003-04:30

running to or from someone. sometimes both. sometimes none. sometimes... just sometimes.

Memories

2007-12-18T04:17:00.000-04:30

walking on a desolate street. dancing to a silent waltz. gazing at the fake dark sky behind us.
how strange and peaceful it is to feel we're building lasting memories when the future seems so uncertain, yet so beautiful.

Connection

2007-12-14T15:27:00.000-04:30

if you hold my hand while we sleep,
we'll be able to dream the same thing

Danger

2007-12-12T12:49:00.000-04:30

I won't crash... not today.

Not when you're here by my side. Not when there's a reason to wait for tomorrow and see you again. Not when I feel we're indestructible in the face of danger.

I won't crash... not when the future seems so uncertain that it begs to be discovered. Not when that blurred future is the most beautiful sight to grace my eyes in a long time.

I won't crash... not when you're kisses are protecting me. Not today.

I'd love to

2007-12-05T23:56:00.000-04:00

"there's no one in view... just you... just you... that's all... that's all"

- Steven Patrick Morrissey

Beautiful Confusion

2007-12-04T20:10:00.000-04:00

confusion takes a hold of my mind as words make their way out of my mouth. some of them come out intact, some are slightly disguised in order not to express their true meaning, which would expose me in front of you like a drunken magician. and yes, some words stay in, waiting for a day when i hope they can reach you the way their meant to be heard, read, or touched.

thank goodness i'm confused... for i wouldn't know where to hide my face if my heart poured out the words it's really dying to say.

Black

2007-12-04T00:14:00.000-04:00

it's like being in complete darkness without any sense of touch... boy, do i hate kissless good-byes

December the Second

2007-12-02T20:47:00.000-04:00

little will spare this day from being remembered in the hearts of millions as a day of death, of mourning, of silence. she changed that, at least for me. before that winter of sadness comes to my mind, her kisses will make me smile amongst the killing cold.

Roman Vain Cage

2007-12-02T02:29:00.000-04:00

i never dream... but in bed, i do think a lot about her... which in the end... is the same thing.

Dead

2007-10-23T16:05:00.000-04:00

we have a dead ball in a court...

Part 5 of a series of 10 entitled: John Cusack strikes back

2007-10-22T11:54:00.000-04:00

"you don't bring me flowers"

please, let me finish the sentence with the word anymore

Part 4 of a series of 10 entitled: John Cusack strikes back.

The Bell

2007-10-19T00:03:00.000-04:00

in a drunken haze i spilt it all
how come days like those seem so far away...
so lost... never to return...?
well, a week is just a week when eternity doesn't decide to freeze for a second

but i'll be here, for better or for worse...
right in this corner... waiting for the life blow!

Part 3 of a series of 10 entitled: John Cusack strikes back.

Orbit

2007-10-18T09:01:00.000-04:00

cut my strings, let me loose
let me fall fast like rocks among the rain
and kick me hard, so far away
to always fall through night and day

Part 2 of a series of 10 entitled: John Cusack strikes back

Longing

2007-10-16T23:36:00.000-04:00

suddenly, everything around me, from despair to the most insignificant object, seems like a coincidence... everything except the passing of time.

Part 1 of a series of 10 entitled: John Cusack strikes back.

Sistinas

2007-09-07T07:11:00.000-04:00

Take my hand
you'll never find another quite like mine
If you look you'll see that
I'm a lonely one

I lost my soul deep inside
And it's so black
and cold deep inside

Sistine smile
You'll never know the trap it's set
And if you did
you'd never look
into its eyes

I lost my soul deep inside
And it's so black
and cold deep inside

The sun don't shine
The wind won't blow
When you go hide
Without your love
I'm lonely
deep inside

Deathpoint

2007-05-25T06:38:00.000-04:00

in heaven, no one can hear you curse :(

The Dead Angel of Salvation

2007-05-23T07:43:00.000-04:00

charred remains on a swollen path to pleasure
take me in your arms and wake me up from this dream
i won't rest until you've saved me, until you've cured me
i won't rest until you leave
how can i be cleansed from what you call misery
when misery stands naked in front of your eyes, not mine
if i need to be dirty to be get clean
then dirt i shall embrace with glee
and it'll all be your fault, my dear
it'll all be your fault, my "saviour".

Nameless you

2007-05-21T09:40:00.001-04:00

why did she go?
why did she say good bye?
where is her heart?

all compassion removed from her...

Swastika Eyes

2007-05-16T08:28:00.000-04:00

parasitic

syphilitic

Josh Fenderman (Reprise)

2007-04-17T07:16:00.000-04:00

The One and Only... Josh Fenderman

2007-04-12T07:56:00.000-04:00

http://joshdance.ytmnd.com/

"It's pumpkinninny!"

The Day Before the Shipwreck

2007-04-12T07:18:00.000-04:00

you said we would go down...
i didn't believe you

"Poems" by Nearly God

2007-04-03T09:39:00.000-04:00

Tricky:

I can vibe to anything
Do I have to hide from everything?
Everybody wants a piece of me
Reach their origin and cease to be
Sit back and let it happen,
Let us take your time away.
I don't understand you.
I don't want your time of day.
If you're gonna walk, might as well walk your way
Always walk the hallways,
Forget the punk,
I pack the funk.
I'm gonna take a piece of you.
Making money for good health,
But first I learn to see myself
But first I learn to see myself
You promised me poems
You promised me poems
You promised me poems

Terry Hall:

I ruse the day that I ever met you,
And deeply regret you getting close to me.
I cannot wait to deeply neglect you,
Deeply forget you,
Jesus believe me
You promised me poems.
You might have been my reason for livin'
I gave up on givin', gave up everything.
We were a right pair of believers
A couple of dreamers,
So how come you hate me?
You promised me poems
You promised me poems
You promised me poems
Promised me poems

Martina Topley Bird:

Dreamed of ringing voices,
And contemplated choices.
Taste like a real kiss,
To heighten my awareness.
With all fairness, greatness with gratitude.
And simply riled with attitude
Now do promotion on TV, and ya still can't see.
We're down the hill cascade
And keep away the masquerade,
Dreamed of ringing voices,
And you promised me poems
You promised me poems
You promised me poems
You promised me poems

written by Tricky and Terry Hall

The Cup o' Joe

2007-03-30T07:12:00.000-04:00

(Jail - Doug brings Pacey some coffee.)

Doug: You were in rare form tonight.

Pacey: How bad do I suck?

Doug: So what seems to be the problem?

Pacey: There is no problem, Dougie.

Doug: Oh, come on, Pacey. I found you hanging from a tree getting completely wasted.

Pacey: Huh?

Doug: So what is it, a girl or something?

Pacey: What?

Doug: Okay, so it's a girl. Who is she?

Pacey: Do you know what, Dougie? It's really not that important, okay?

Doug: Okay. (goes to leave)

Pacey: I'll tell you something, though... She is really, really, annoying!

Doug: Yeah?

Pacey: Yeah, I mean, this girl is amazing. There is not a single subject on the face of the planet that she doesn't have an opinion about. It's mind boggling.

Doug: Well, that certainly sounds like a nightmare.

Pacey: Well, no, I mean... It's not quite like that. I mean, you gotta understand that the girl's really smart, so she's usually right and when she argues, it comes from this really beautiful, pure place. So, I mean, how can you fight against that, you know? Especially if you're a smart ass like me.

Doug: Is she pretty?

Pacey: Yeah, she is pretty. She is very, very pretty. She's actually the kind of pretty that gives you butterflies, you know what I mean?

Doug: Yeah, never lose the butterflies.

Pacey: What?

Doug: You know, maybe that's what sucks about getting older. Somewhere along the line, you just, lose the butterflies. So the question is, little brother, what are you going to do about it?

Pacey: Do?

Doug: Yeah. Do as in, do something. Take action.

Pacey: No, I don't think you're really, properly grasping the gravity of this situation, Dougie. You see, if I was actually to do something about this, there is the strong possibility that the sun would cease to shine. The tides would cease to rise. In fact, I'm betting there's a pretty good chance that the very earth would crack open and Capeside would become home to a huge hellmouth, that would spew forth endless hordes of monsters and demons that would choke the denizens of this city, making them fall to their knees and pray for return to the days before I took action. That's really what we're talking about here.

Doug: Yeah, maybe. Look, Pacey, uhhh, in my experience you don't come across that many people with the ability to give you butterflies. You just don't. And if you don't tell this girl how you feel, well, it'll be like spending the rest of your life in your own personal prison.

(Doug goes to leave)

Pacey: Hey, Doug?

Doug: Yeah?

Pacey: Thank you.

The Misunderstood

2007-03-29T07:10:00.000-04:00

there's nothing arrogant, violent or pornographic in my thoughts.

you just haven't loved.

The Object of my affection

2007-03-28T07:12:00.000-04:00

there's a little trick i learnt from you
it hasn't made my life any easier so far

Faultline

2007-03-27T07:20:00.000-04:00

there's a crack on the wall, it's been there for ages. but this wall still holds this roof on top of us. it might be weaker than it was some years ago, but it's still there, doing its job. it's a little bit like love. it's a little bit like us.

Insert name here

2007-03-26T07:45:00.000-04:00

the book of love as written by _______________.

Heaven

2007-03-23T07:29:00.000-04:00

in heaven... no one can hear you scream

prepare to get the beejesus f-ed out of you

this horny little friday has been brought to you by...

OLD DINKY DOODLER'S RAPID RESPONSE TIPPEX GLUE

THE ONLY LIQUID PAPER THAT BONDS AND ERASES IN NO TIME

JUST LIKE YOUR HEART!!!

The Threat

2007-03-22T07:15:00.000-04:00

a threat is no longer a threat when your heart desires it.

The Zealous

2007-03-21T06:50:00.000-04:00

this overlooked gem
this long lost forgotten object
how come it's somebody's favourite work of art and not mine?

what did i fail to see?
what did i ignore?
it's far from late to claim that which now feels my own.

you may think it's wrong
you might not agree
but today you belong to me

prepare to be mine

The Sailing Ships of Costa Mesa

2007-03-20T07:40:00.000-04:00

yesterday
you made a fool out of me
i never thought you would do it again

and last night
you played with me
i never thought you would do it again

but what... what can i do?
what's for me to do?

the sailing ships of costa mesa
they're coming to take me away from you
the sailing ships of costa mesa
they're coming to take me away from you

last week
you made an arse out of me
i never thought you would do it again

so please
just say you'll let me be
and never, never, never do it again

but what... what can i do?
what's for me to do?

the sailing ships of costa mesa
they're coming to take me away from you
the sailing ships of costa mesa
they're coming to take me away from you

The Velvet Curtain

2007-03-19T07:24:00.000-04:00

and every day
i wake up with this feeling in my head
could you take it away
could you take it away

beautiful dreams
or nightmares waiting to haunt me
waiting to take me somewhere
i don't want to go

your memory haunts me every night
this feeling's ending with my life
just poke behind this velvet curtain
you'll see
it's still the same old me
i'm still the man you left behind
please, come back
please, just let me be

can't you see
can't you recognize me
you were so young when you left me
when you went away

i'm still the one you loved
i'm still the one who loved you
and i still love you every day
but i can't go on... not like this

your memory haunts me every night
this feeling's ending with my life
just poke behind this velvet curtain
you'll see
it's still the same old me
i'm still the man you left behind
please, come back
please, just let me be

All compassion removed

2007-03-19T07:15:00.000-04:00

she left me on a thursday afternoon
why didn't she wait till friday?
i would have had the whole weekend to cry

i had to go to work on friday
and everyone knew
something was wrong
something was wrong
something's still wrong

why did she leave me here like this?
why did she leave me here like this?
why did she leave?

why did she go?
why did she say those things?
where is her heart?
all compassion removed from her

Weather Forecast

2007-03-16T06:58:00.000-04:00

across the hail
across the snow
this terrible thaw will take us low
you know the pain is drifting away when things start melting down in your heart.
how do you feel when you're without me?

I'm your man

2007-03-16T06:52:00.000-04:00

ladies and... ladies... the great Leonard Cohen.

...

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you
If you want a partner
Take my hand
Or if you want to strike me down in anger
Here I stand
I'm your man

If you want a boxer
I will step into the ring for you
And if you want a doctor
I'll examine every inch of you
If you want a driver
Climb inside
Or if you want to take me for a ride
You know you can
I'm your man

The moon's too bright
The chain's too tight
The beast won't go to sleep
I've been running through these promises to you
That I made and I could not keep
But a man never got a woman back
Not by begging on his knees
I'd crawl to you baby
And I'd fall at your feet
And I'd howl at your beauty
Like a dog in heat
And I'd claw at your heart
And I'd tear at your sheet
I'd say please, please
I'm your man

And if you've got to sleep
A moment on the road
I will steer for you
And if you want to work the street alone
I'll disappear for you
If you want a father for your child
Or only want to walk with me a while
Across the sand
I'm your man

If you want a lover
I'll do anything you ask me to
And if you want another kind of love
I'll wear a mask for you

words and music by L. Cohen

The wish list

2007-03-15T06:49:00.000-04:00

be careful what you wish for.

The Intruder

2007-03-14T12:48:00.000-04:00

i had my chance.
i remember well.
but...
you missed it too.

The Crack

2007-03-13T07:15:00.000-04:00

suddenly... there was calm.

i knew it wouldn't last too long, so i decided to kill everything i loved and move forward.

mabe god is watching. maybe he's listening. maybe he doesn't exist, and now my loved one is just dead.

i sure hope god exists.

Today

2007-03-12T07:48:00.000-04:00

just give in...
those who think... lose.
just today... just today.

Sunday welcomes the sad young man

2007-03-09T07:16:00.000-04:00

much of the week is pretty tedious, there's just no happiness in repetition. lullabies expect me to fall asleep at the sound of their noise crawling into my head, but the years have long ago forgotten about the reasons why we are where we are. true, you didn't like being touched, especially by me, but this hands were meant to touch you, baby. they were never meant to touch you this much. but that's the price i pay for stepping into the tunnel of love. is there a light at the end of this one as well? i guess i'll soon find out. i was born to find out. too many questions, so much time. the answers just come as slowly as they are made up, and that's when boredom strikes... you should never wait too much to give an answer. but the unique thing is how you always find the way to crush habits on their head, by twisting the pages of our written love, or by saving the impossible things from the sea of perfection and showing them to me day after day after day. i might be sad, i might be bored, but i'm definitely young, and time is on my side, for better or for worse. so let's climb inside this train headed to a brick wall and enjoy the ride. what other possible way is there to encounter what we need to reach? everyday i have the same one question in my head... and i've never regretted saying it... so glad you answered quickly. so glad you said yes.

Homme Fatale

2007-03-08T07:07:00.000-04:00

he told me it wouldn't hurt. i believed him.
too bad men always tell the truth.

The Cremulator

2007-03-07T07:17:00.000-04:00

Some things were never meant to disappear.

The Rotten

2007-03-06T07:23:00.000-04:00

there were some nights when your fury was scarce. true love can't always reign, i know. but you're just not the same as before. your body has grown tired, and my patience has grown thin. your body is not as warm as before. your hands can't hold me as they did days ago. you're no longer moist in the face of desire. something's in the air... something rotten smells in here. it's plain to see, at least for me... it's time to put my love in a body bag. oh dear, can't you see?

36 - 39 °F

2007-03-05T07:47:00.000-04:00

it's not that i don't care, but my love for your body lacks any signs of respect. it's good that i do not believe in such a thing called soul, for i know it would feel quite tormented by this passion that takes hold of my skin, which grips you as if you don't feel anything. for you do, my loved one, i can only think that you do, or else it wouldn't make any sense to consume this act that weaves us together. i need to know you're enjoying it. i need to feel you need me to go on. why won't you let me know, dear? why don't you give in? you're so cold. it's oh so cold.

The Rose Cottage

2007-03-02T08:09:00.001-04:00

it's cold in here. swallow your pride and give in to lust. a fresh warm lover awaits to be embraced. love knows no limits. love knows no harm. there won't be any complaints from the man above. passion does not need to be corresponded when the touch of the skin speaks for itself. no voice will tell you it loves you, but then again, no ears are expecting it. enjoy the moment. enjoy the silence.

The Defeat

2007-03-01T07:48:00.000-04:00

one more blow to my heart and you'll be the one who falls.

The Trail

2007-02-28T07:02:00.000-04:00

i turned around and saw the leaves i had just walked on, and i knew it was wrong. this path will never again be clean from mistake's steps. yesterday's moon will be forever covered in blood inside my mind, never again to be wiped off from experience. time tells no lies, they say. well, it should. i knew about you and joe williams. everyone did. i always kept my mouth shut. i'll always remember my last minute on this earth, when you leaned on my bed and told me you loved me. for a second there i thought you would tell me the truth, but you didn't... you didn't want to make my departure any more painful. i've always thanked you for that, for not telling the truth. time should learn from you.

The Awakening

2007-02-27T07:55:00.000-04:00

it happened just like in the movies. i tossed and turned in my sleep and my hand didn't feel you next to me. your side of the bed was empty. you weren't there. you had gone away. it was january 21, and the world already looked quite different. i never received a call from you, or a note, just like you slipped into my life, you slid out of it... without noticing it, without expecting it. funny how things change.
i learned to walk again. i learned to stand on my own two feet again. days, weeks, months passed and they seemed to last forever. 11 months had passed and the unexpected happened... i received a note. it was from you. it was your handwriting. it carried your smell. it said "i'm sorry". it was december 21.
i can't say i was over you, it still hurt. it still does. but reading that note crumbled my world. i didn't know if i was happy to learn about you, or if i hated you for dropping by like that, without a warning. and just like death, you weren't near me, you weren't present, but you filled my life with fear, anxiety, curiosity. why did you send me that note? why did you send another one on november 21? it had the same words... "i'm sorry".
time passed, months passed, and the same thing happened. on october 21, then september 21, august 21... etc. and i grew frightened, i completely lost track of everything, i couldn't concentrate on my work, on my life, on the people around me, everything spinned around that one day... january 21, 12 years after.
11 years had passed and it was february 21. "i'm sorry". i read that note and it was the same surprise, just like those other 11 notes. i just had to wait 11 more months for that day... january 21... the day you left, never to return. those were the longest months in my life. i was scared, horrified, happy, distressed, angry. what would happen? would i finally see you? would you slip back into my life? would i want you to do that? and maybe the most important question... would i forgive you? i just had to wait and see. wait... that's all i'd done all that time.
and it came. it was january 21. i was supposed to receive a note on that morning. but, just like my biggest fear... nothing happened. you didn't show up. i didn't get a note from you. what had happened? weren't you supposed to tell me you were sorry? maybe you knew something i didn't. maybe you knew that i had finally forgiven you.

funny how things change.

Retreat/Surrender

2007-02-23T07:10:00.000-04:00

the clouds were so black you could have sworn they had been dirtied by someone, by some fantasy, by some wicked lie. the birds seemed to know it, they were going somewhere, somewhere far... flocking to a safer place. i was standing at the door just thinking of the night before, and little thoughts crept into my head, like ants swarming into a nest, right after having killed its prey, lugging it home to start the feast. i don't like these ideas, but who am i to reject them. they make perfect sense, but still... it hurts. jeremy was talking about how he used to drive all the way from the coast just to see his daughter. you know jeremy... the perfect man. you always said you liked him, i don't blame you. jealousy is something that dissipates as the relationship grows. people say that when this happens, it's a sign of maturity. i say it's a sign of love sneaking out through the back alley. but hey, jeremy didn't understand my plans, so i just kept thinking about the night before. you know when things get to a peak, it's downhill from then on?... well, what a peak last night was. you were beautiful as ever, nothing seemed to stop us. i remember looking at us through the mirror... we looked so perfect... i think it was the light, it was the angle. but then this morning i woke up, and you weren't there. not a note. not a single goddamn note telling me what had happened. that's when my plan started mulling over inside my head. and it freaked me out. it scared the living shit out of me to really think about it, but i was determined to do it. i had no option. and time passed. about two hours ago i came to my senses, and i thought about what i'd been planning, and i started to cry. jeremy didn't console me... what a perfect man he is, huh? and that's when i realized i could never do it. but just having thought of it... in my mind that was like really killing you, so i actually ended up killing the only living part of me that was left. i looked at the sky, and the birds were already gone... to a safer place. one more time, i had my chance... and i missed it.

Wont' take that talk

2007-02-22T06:53:00.000-04:00

I won't take that talk from no one, I won't take that talk from no one, inside it makes you ill. And the pity of it all you're fighting, you don't see it any more you're fighting... a size 12 fight in a size 10 war.

I said I'd never forget you, and I didn't and I never will. Have a dance, meet a girl you dig. Acting like the second coming. Words are only words. Said another way, got to stop treating people... like they have no feelings. Stop treating people... like they have no meaning.

I won't take that talk from no one, I won't take that talk from no one, inside it makes you ill. Soft as a mother's love, her hands were cool and graceful, and you'll get no complaints from me.

I said I'd never forget you, and I didn't and I never will. Have a dance, meet a girl you dig. Behaving like the second coming. Words were only words, so I tell myself, got to stop treating people... like they have no feelings. Stop treating people... like they have no meaning.

written by Adam Ant / Marco Pirroni / Boz Boorer

Water

2007-02-21T07:25:00.000-04:00

drinking water... to purify my body.

The Aftermath

2007-02-15T07:07:00.000-04:00

little things start piling up at the end of the gutter. you can't imagine the treasures you can find there. i've been doing it since i was very small, and i guess it became a habit. i just needed to know what the rain had washed away, what it had stolen away from all the corners of the world and placed here, like a blood-bathed lover waiting to be captured. yes, it's dirty, but each little thing holds a secret, a story. secrets are dirty, and usually all stories are, especially if they're love ones. i found that ring i showed you two years ago. how can someone lose a ring so beautiful? well, people do tend to lose unsual things. maybe it wasn't lost, it could be that it was just thrown out of a car window... some love demolished in that specific moment when she slipped the ring out of her finger and sent it flying out of her life. i suppose it was a woman because of the feminine design, but well, you can never be 100% sure. that ring... that ring fit perfectly into my finger. i used to joke that i was engaged. you used to laugh, you'd say that no one would ever be that crazy to marry me. probably true, i guess it was just somekind of childhood dream that never really faded away. i did have my dreams, you know. i know you had your dreams too, and i'm sorry, i would have liked to fulfill each and every one of them, but life just took a detour inside the tunnel of love. we never came out, did we? is that a bad thing? you go into the tunnel of love and... are you suppose to go out to complete the "love experience"? or if you never come out... will you find "eternal love"? maybe you just go mad. you're lost forever. that ring. i should have just given it to you. you liked it, but it was mine. i discovered the treasure, and... you just don't give something you have discovered away. it loses any natural meaning it holds, and it becomes worthless. just like i decided to give you away, you became worthless. one day you were special in my life, and then one day i felt so betrayed, so dirty, like if i had been piled up there in the gutter. you lost my ring and i lost control. i just wish someone would find me. i wish someone would find me real soon.

The (St. Valentine's Day) massacre

2007-02-14T07:30:00.000-04:00

everything happened so quickly. it's almost like a blurred memory, i actually don't remember it even happening, but when you're standing there... seconds turn into minutes, minutes into hours. and among the noise, all the blood, and my heart suddenly stopping, there was only one thing going through my mind... right now it seems like i only thought about it throughout the whole shooting...

did you receive the flowers i sent you this morning?

bang!

The Infection

2007-02-13T07:28:00.000-04:00

i've tried to find ways to tell you for a few days now. i've been infected by something. this whole world seems to crumble upon us, but destiny will prevail. that's the good thing about believing in destiny, no matter what happens, it's not your fault. it's been written. just like our names inside that heart on the park's weird tree we so much love. we almost decided to carve our love on that other tree, the beautiful one everyone uses. poor tree, it just didn't ask to be the diary of a thousand souls. but then we saw that old, grey, big scary tree. the trunk reminded me of our passion. a little crooked, a little old, begging to be helped. our marks were the first ones on that tree. now we're surrounded by other dreamers. i hope they're doing well, i really do. and like that tree, infected by these names, by these love stories, my body has been exposed to the torments of our times. lately i've been thinking about you and i, not really wanting to share everything with the people around us, not really wanting to share anything, period. little cells in my body remind me every day that this is here to stay. together. not together. it's there. it's in our journal, my journal. a moment in the present gone to the past, never to be changed again. regrets... i've had so many of them. like oscar said, it's what we call experience, that's all. so many nights not wanting to be with that person, so many days not wanting to do those things i did, so many stars given to the wrong eyes, to the wrong face. but all those things i did, i did them because they felt right at that moment. how wrong was i. but it's there. never to be changed. so i might as well think about the future. so boring, but at least it's a virgin future, waiting to be enhanced or fucked up. so few options. now i'll just walk and bear the wounds, the bruises that mark my body. this infection, this blow to the heart. some call it love, some rather not give it a name. better luck next time, dear.

The Uninvited Guest

2007-02-12T08:18:00.000-04:00

there's no denying this feeling. sometimes thoughts get trapped inside my head and they can't seem to find a way out. most of the time, it's just useless information... harmless information. but sometimes i panic when i realize what i've been thinking these passed few days. it's just like a really gruesome scene from a movie where you can't close your eyes or turn your face away. i guess every now and then you spend some time learning some terrible secret about yourself, and then it takes twice as much to try and deny it, to try to prove the opposite, which of course, in the end it's all a waste of time. once you learn something as hideous as that, it's there to stay. i think it would be so much easier if we just accepted our darkest secrets, our darkest desires. remember the first time i saw you? the place, the time, your hair, my voice... nothing indicated it would be beautiful. it still doesn't. but yet... i can't stop looking. is it the pain... is it the uncomfortable taste in your mouth... is it the sharp pressure on your chest that tells you this just ain't good? as the scalpel cuts through your skin, as your chest is held wide open... remember me, and prepare for the next heart attack.

Ghost Town

2007-02-08T07:35:00.000-04:00

you were there, dressed in blue... talking to the birds like you did every morning. did you really hear them say anything? i remember you used to cry everytime you woke up, it always made me tremble. i was so afraid for your sanity that i never realized i was the one who wasn't thinking correctly, properly. did you dream about me? did you cry in your dreams, in your sleep because of me? i hope not, but i'll never know. i'll never know now. last time i saw you you had a little boy in your arms. i know it's terrible, but i have to admit that i really didn't know if it was yours. who knows what you might have done. who knows what you did. all those days i had to go out and look for you. i know you never wanted to hurt me. you never did. i always ended up hurting myself for not believing in you. i guess you know i tried, i did my best to be there for you. i hope you know that, you appreciate that, but i just couldn't take it anymore. poor little billy. remember how i had to wake him up like 5 times so he could get up and go to school? and then the bus driver would tell me he always fell asleep on the bus, and he had to wake him up when they got to school. poor little billy. i know you didn't mean it. i know you were confused, those things in your head. i know you didn't want to do it... but you did it. i tried and tried to help you, thinking it wasn't your fault... i know it wasn't, but it hurt so much. i'm sorry. i hope you're doing fine. sometimes i miss you, i want to talk to you. i remember the whole thing and sadly i step back. maybe someday i'll forgive you for what you did that monday morning. i remember it so clearly, just like yesterday... you were there... dressed in blue... the red stains could be seen from miles away...

Angelica

2007-02-07T08:03:00.000-04:00

Each night I meant to say
I missed her through the day
But I'd forget it
I never said it

I passed the flower shop
Lord knows I meant to stop
But I said tomorrow
Perhaps tomorrow

Tomorrow there'd be time
There'd always be another spring
Time to make her laughter ring
Time to give her everything

Angelica, my Angelica
There's so much you never knew
So much I always meant to say
And do, for you, for you
Angelica...

And then the cold winds came
And when I spoke her name
And felt her near me
She couldn't hear me

Her shadow had been cast
Too many springs had passed
For Angelica
Sweet Angelica

Now in my solitude
I tend the flowers that I buy
As they slowly fade and die
Watered by the tears I cry

For my Angelica, my Angelica
There's so much you never knew
So much I always meant to say
And do, for you, for you
Angelica...

written by Mann/Weil

The Wreck

2007-02-06T07:26:00.000-04:00

and my loved one drowned when i sank to the dark pits of hell. no, you weren't inside my heart... i just made sure i dragged you down with me.

CSI Caracas

2007-02-05T08:02:00.000-04:00

casting has already started. do you think i have a chance? sssshhhhhhhh :P