The Trail

i turned around and saw the leaves i had just walked on, and i knew it was wrong. this path will never again be clean from mistake's steps. yesterday's moon will be forever covered in blood inside my mind, never again to be wiped off from experience. time tells no lies, they say. well, it should. i knew about you and joe williams. everyone did. i always kept my mouth shut. i'll always remember my last minute on this earth, when you leaned on my bed and told me you loved me. for a second there i thought you would tell me the truth, but you didn't... you didn't want to make my departure any more painful. i've always thanked you for that, for not telling the truth. time should learn from you.

The Awakening

it happened just like in the movies. i tossed and turned in my sleep and my hand didn't feel you next to me. your side of the bed was empty. you weren't there. you had gone away. it was january 21, and the world already looked quite different. i never received a call from you, or a note, just like you slipped into my life, you slid out of it... without noticing it, without expecting it. funny how things change.
i learned to walk again. i learned to stand on my own two feet again. days, weeks, months passed and they seemed to last forever. 11 months had passed and the unexpected happened... i received a note. it was from you. it was your handwriting. it carried your smell. it said "i'm sorry". it was december 21.
i can't say i was over you, it still hurt. it still does. but reading that note crumbled my world. i didn't know if i was happy to learn about you, or if i hated you for dropping by like that, without a warning. and just like death, you weren't near me, you weren't present, but you filled my life with fear, anxiety, curiosity. why did you send me that note? why did you send another one on november 21? it had the same words... "i'm sorry".
time passed, months passed, and the same thing happened. on october 21, then september 21, august 21... etc. and i grew frightened, i completely lost track of everything, i couldn't concentrate on my work, on my life, on the people around me, everything spinned around that one day... january 21, 12 years after.
11 years had passed and it was february 21. "i'm sorry". i read that note and it was the same surprise, just like those other 11 notes. i just had to wait 11 more months for that day... january 21... the day you left, never to return. those were the longest months in my life. i was scared, horrified, happy, distressed, angry. what would happen? would i finally see you? would you slip back into my life? would i want you to do that? and maybe the most important question... would i forgive you? i just had to wait and see. wait... that's all i'd done all that time.
and it came. it was january 21. i was supposed to receive a note on that morning. but, just like my biggest fear... nothing happened. you didn't show up. i didn't get a note from you. what had happened? weren't you supposed to tell me you were sorry? maybe you knew something i didn't. maybe you knew that i had finally forgiven you.

funny how things change.

Retreat/Surrender

the clouds were so black you could have sworn they had been dirtied by someone, by some fantasy, by some wicked lie. the birds seemed to know it, they were going somewhere, somewhere far... flocking to a safer place. i was standing at the door just thinking of the night before, and little thoughts crept into my head, like ants swarming into a nest, right after having killed its prey, lugging it home to start the feast. i don't like these ideas, but who am i to reject them. they make perfect sense, but still... it hurts. jeremy was talking about how he used to drive all the way from the coast just to see his daughter. you know jeremy... the perfect man. you always said you liked him, i don't blame you. jealousy is something that dissipates as the relationship grows. people say that when this happens, it's a sign of maturity. i say it's a sign of love sneaking out through the back alley. but hey, jeremy didn't understand my plans, so i just kept thinking about the night before. you know when things get to a peak, it's downhill from then on?... well, what a peak last night was. you were beautiful as ever, nothing seemed to stop us. i remember looking at us through the mirror... we looked so perfect... i think it was the light, it was the angle. but then this morning i woke up, and you weren't there. not a note. not a single goddamn note telling me what had happened. that's when my plan started mulling over inside my head. and it freaked me out. it scared the living shit out of me to really think about it, but i was determined to do it. i had no option. and time passed. about two hours ago i came to my senses, and i thought about what i'd been planning, and i started to cry. jeremy didn't console me... what a perfect man he is, huh? and that's when i realized i could never do it. but just having thought of it... in my mind that was like really killing you, so i actually ended up killing the only living part of me that was left. i looked at the sky, and the birds were already gone... to a safer place. one more time, i had my chance... and i missed it.

Wont' take that talk

I won't take that talk from no one, I won't take that talk from no one, inside it makes you ill. And the pity of it all you're fighting, you don't see it any more you're fighting... a size 12 fight in a size 10 war.

I said I'd never forget you, and I didn't and I never will. Have a dance, meet a girl you dig. Acting like the second coming. Words are only words. Said another way, got to stop treating people... like they have no feelings. Stop treating people... like they have no meaning.

I won't take that talk from no one, I won't take that talk from no one, inside it makes you ill. Soft as a mother's love, her hands were cool and graceful, and you'll get no complaints from me.

I said I'd never forget you, and I didn't and I never will. Have a dance, meet a girl you dig. Behaving like the second coming. Words were only words, so I tell myself, got to stop treating people... like they have no feelings. Stop treating people... like they have no meaning.

written by Adam Ant / Marco Pirroni / Boz Boorer

Water

drinking water... to purify my body.

The Aftermath

little things start piling up at the end of the gutter. you can't imagine the treasures you can find there. i've been doing it since i was very small, and i guess it became a habit. i just needed to know what the rain had washed away, what it had stolen away from all the corners of the world and placed here, like a blood-bathed lover waiting to be captured. yes, it's dirty, but each little thing holds a secret, a story. secrets are dirty, and usually all stories are, especially if they're love ones. i found that ring i showed you two years ago. how can someone lose a ring so beautiful? well, people do tend to lose unsual things. maybe it wasn't lost, it could be that it was just thrown out of a car window... some love demolished in that specific moment when she slipped the ring out of her finger and sent it flying out of her life. i suppose it was a woman because of the feminine design, but well, you can never be 100% sure. that ring... that ring fit perfectly into my finger. i used to joke that i was engaged. you used to laugh, you'd say that no one would ever be that crazy to marry me. probably true, i guess it was just somekind of childhood dream that never really faded away. i did have my dreams, you know. i know you had your dreams too, and i'm sorry, i would have liked to fulfill each and every one of them, but life just took a detour inside the tunnel of love. we never came out, did we? is that a bad thing? you go into the tunnel of love and... are you suppose to go out to complete the "love experience"? or if you never come out... will you find "eternal love"? maybe you just go mad. you're lost forever. that ring. i should have just given it to you. you liked it, but it was mine. i discovered the treasure, and... you just don't give something you have discovered away. it loses any natural meaning it holds, and it becomes worthless. just like i decided to give you away, you became worthless. one day you were special in my life, and then one day i felt so betrayed, so dirty, like if i had been piled up there in the gutter. you lost my ring and i lost control. i just wish someone would find me. i wish someone would find me real soon.

The (St. Valentine's Day) massacre

everything happened so quickly. it's almost like a blurred memory, i actually don't remember it even happening, but when you're standing there... seconds turn into minutes, minutes into hours. and among the noise, all the blood, and my heart suddenly stopping, there was only one thing going through my mind... right now it seems like i only thought about it throughout the whole shooting...

did you receive the flowers i sent you this morning?

bang!

The Infection

i've tried to find ways to tell you for a few days now. i've been infected by something. this whole world seems to crumble upon us, but destiny will prevail. that's the good thing about believing in destiny, no matter what happens, it's not your fault. it's been written. just like our names inside that heart on the park's weird tree we so much love. we almost decided to carve our love on that other tree, the beautiful one everyone uses. poor tree, it just didn't ask to be the diary of a thousand souls. but then we saw that old, grey, big scary tree. the trunk reminded me of our passion. a little crooked, a little old, begging to be helped. our marks were the first ones on that tree. now we're surrounded by other dreamers. i hope they're doing well, i really do. and like that tree, infected by these names, by these love stories, my body has been exposed to the torments of our times. lately i've been thinking about you and i, not really wanting to share everything with the people around us, not really wanting to share anything, period. little cells in my body remind me every day that this is here to stay. together. not together. it's there. it's in our journal, my journal. a moment in the present gone to the past, never to be changed again. regrets... i've had so many of them. like oscar said, it's what we call experience, that's all. so many nights not wanting to be with that person, so many days not wanting to do those things i did, so many stars given to the wrong eyes, to the wrong face. but all those things i did, i did them because they felt right at that moment. how wrong was i. but it's there. never to be changed. so i might as well think about the future. so boring, but at least it's a virgin future, waiting to be enhanced or fucked up. so few options. now i'll just walk and bear the wounds, the bruises that mark my body. this infection, this blow to the heart. some call it love, some rather not give it a name. better luck next time, dear.

The Uninvited Guest

there's no denying this feeling. sometimes thoughts get trapped inside my head and they can't seem to find a way out. most of the time, it's just useless information... harmless information. but sometimes i panic when i realize what i've been thinking these passed few days. it's just like a really gruesome scene from a movie where you can't close your eyes or turn your face away. i guess every now and then you spend some time learning some terrible secret about yourself, and then it takes twice as much to try and deny it, to try to prove the opposite, which of course, in the end it's all a waste of time. once you learn something as hideous as that, it's there to stay. i think it would be so much easier if we just accepted our darkest secrets, our darkest desires. remember the first time i saw you? the place, the time, your hair, my voice... nothing indicated it would be beautiful. it still doesn't. but yet... i can't stop looking. is it the pain... is it the uncomfortable taste in your mouth... is it the sharp pressure on your chest that tells you this just ain't good? as the scalpel cuts through your skin, as your chest is held wide open... remember me, and prepare for the next heart attack.

Ghost Town

you were there, dressed in blue... talking to the birds like you did every morning. did you really hear them say anything? i remember you used to cry everytime you woke up, it always made me tremble. i was so afraid for your sanity that i never realized i was the one who wasn't thinking correctly, properly. did you dream about me? did you cry in your dreams, in your sleep because of me? i hope not, but i'll never know. i'll never know now. last time i saw you you had a little boy in your arms. i know it's terrible, but i have to admit that i really didn't know if it was yours. who knows what you might have done. who knows what you did. all those days i had to go out and look for you. i know you never wanted to hurt me. you never did. i always ended up hurting myself for not believing in you. i guess you know i tried, i did my best to be there for you. i hope you know that, you appreciate that, but i just couldn't take it anymore. poor little billy. remember how i had to wake him up like 5 times so he could get up and go to school? and then the bus driver would tell me he always fell asleep on the bus, and he had to wake him up when they got to school. poor little billy. i know you didn't mean it. i know you were confused, those things in your head. i know you didn't want to do it... but you did it. i tried and tried to help you, thinking it wasn't your fault... i know it wasn't, but it hurt so much. i'm sorry. i hope you're doing fine. sometimes i miss you, i want to talk to you. i remember the whole thing and sadly i step back. maybe someday i'll forgive you for what you did that monday morning. i remember it so clearly, just like yesterday... you were there... dressed in blue... the red stains could be seen from miles away...

Angelica

Each night I meant to say
I missed her through the day
But I'd forget it
I never said it

I passed the flower shop
Lord knows I meant to stop
But I said tomorrow
Perhaps tomorrow

Tomorrow there'd be time
There'd always be another spring
Time to make her laughter ring
Time to give her everything

Angelica, my Angelica
There's so much you never knew
So much I always meant to say
And do, for you, for you
Angelica...

And then the cold winds came
And when I spoke her name
And felt her near me
She couldn't hear me

Her shadow had been cast
Too many springs had passed
For Angelica
Sweet Angelica

Now in my solitude
I tend the flowers that I buy
As they slowly fade and die
Watered by the tears I cry

For my Angelica, my Angelica
There's so much you never knew
So much I always meant to say
And do, for you, for you
Angelica...

written by Mann/Weil

The Wreck

and my loved one drowned when i sank to the dark pits of hell. no, you weren't inside my heart... i just made sure i dragged you down with me.

CSI Caracas

casting has already started. do you think i have a chance? sssshhhhhhhh :P

F.E.E.L.I.N.G.C.A.L.L.E.D.L.O.V.E.

The room is cold, and has been like this for several months. If I close my eyes, I can visualise everything in it, right down, right down to the broken handle on the third drawer down of the dressing table. And the world outside this room, has also assumed a familiar shape, the same events shuffeled in a slightly different order each day. Just like a modern shopping centre. And it's so cold - yeah it's so cold. It's so cold yeah, it's so cold. What is this feeling called love.Why me, why you, why here, why now. It doesn't make no sense no. It's not convenient no.It doesn't fit my plans no. It's something I don't understand oh. F.E.E.L.I.N.G. C.A.double L.E.D. L.O.V.E. Oh what is this thing that is happening to me.

And as I'm standing across this room, I feel as if my whole life has been leading to this one moment. And as I touch your shoulder tonight, this room has become the centre of the entire universe. So what do I do? I've got a slightly sick feeling in my stomach, like I'm standing on top of a very high building, oh yeah. All the stuff they tell you about in the movies, but this isn't chocolate boxes and roses. It's dirtier than that, like some small animal that only comes out at night. And I see flashes of the shape of your breasts, and the curve of your belly, and I may have to sit down and catch my breath. And it's so cold - yeah it's so cold. It's so cold yeah, it's so cold. What is this feeling called love. Why me, why you, why here. And why now. It doesn't make no sense no. It's not convenient no. It doesn't fit my plans, but I got that taste in my mouth again oh. F.E.E.L.I.N.G. C.A. double L.E.D. L.O.V.E. What is this thing that is happening to me. F.E.E.L.I.N.G. C.A. double L.E.D. L.O.V.E. What is this thing that is happening to me...

Written by Jarvis Cocker/Nick Banks/Candida Doyle/Steve Mackey/Russell Senior/Mark Webber

Your own private Fire

there's a feeling of accomplishment, of power, when one burns things to the ground. but it must be one's own things, for the pleasure is quite more rewarding than setting somebody else's belongings on fire. where, may i ask, is the power in that?