Retreat/Surrender

the clouds were so black you could have sworn they had been dirtied by someone, by some fantasy, by some wicked lie. the birds seemed to know it, they were going somewhere, somewhere far... flocking to a safer place. i was standing at the door just thinking of the night before, and little thoughts crept into my head, like ants swarming into a nest, right after having killed its prey, lugging it home to start the feast. i don't like these ideas, but who am i to reject them. they make perfect sense, but still... it hurts. jeremy was talking about how he used to drive all the way from the coast just to see his daughter. you know jeremy... the perfect man. you always said you liked him, i don't blame you. jealousy is something that dissipates as the relationship grows. people say that when this happens, it's a sign of maturity. i say it's a sign of love sneaking out through the back alley. but hey, jeremy didn't understand my plans, so i just kept thinking about the night before. you know when things get to a peak, it's downhill from then on?... well, what a peak last night was. you were beautiful as ever, nothing seemed to stop us. i remember looking at us through the mirror... we looked so perfect... i think it was the light, it was the angle. but then this morning i woke up, and you weren't there. not a note. not a single goddamn note telling me what had happened. that's when my plan started mulling over inside my head. and it freaked me out. it scared the living shit out of me to really think about it, but i was determined to do it. i had no option. and time passed. about two hours ago i came to my senses, and i thought about what i'd been planning, and i started to cry. jeremy didn't console me... what a perfect man he is, huh? and that's when i realized i could never do it. but just having thought of it... in my mind that was like really killing you, so i actually ended up killing the only living part of me that was left. i looked at the sky, and the birds were already gone... to a safer place. one more time, i had my chance... and i missed it.